Letting It All Hang Out

My kids are so weird!

2010-08-19T22:21:00.002-05:00

I know... tell me something I don't know, right?

Tonight, A is in the shower asking her usual inane questions. Tonight's topic of discussion? "Would you rather share a bathroom with an ugly guy with a rash, or a bedroom with a reindeer?".

I replied I already shared the bathroom with an ugly guy, but she was quick to tell me that she didn't think Daddy was ugly. Anyways, I went on to say at least you could get some cream for the rash, and maybe put a bag over the ugly head. A reindeer, on the other hand... you'd have to clean up after, and I'm sure it would stink. Back to the ugly guy - he could shower and smell, good, right?

Nope.

According to her, a reindeer would be preferable because - and I quote - "Clean up after it for a while, then you could shoot it... and EAT IT!".

Lovely. Simply charming!

My pedometer is mocking me.

2010-04-14T22:44:00.002-05:00

I bought one this past Saturday at Weight Watchers and I cannot for the life of me get it to accurately count my steps! Sometimes it counts extras, other times it just sits there and mocks me. I walked all over the playground on Saturday and it showed zero steps, yet when I threw it in my jacket pocket and tossed it on the bench, it decided I'd gone 30 steps.

I put it on when I jogged on Monday and hit almost 6000.... was super excited, figured whatever glitch it was having had worked itself out as its distance total was close to what my Garmin Forerunner said, but after I showered and put it back on, the pedometer had apparently gone back to bed. Despite being all over the place this morning, it stubbornly sat like a little pouty kid, refusing to click any more steps in.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the last time when I went to check and see if it was catching any of the steps, I swear it made a surly face at me right before it reset itself. And by reset, I mean I had to go back in and re-enter all of the personal info (height, weight, gender, etc). Restart, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. You lose.

I HAD thought it might just be the placement of it (although I don't get why it was fine when I ran in the am and not the rest of the time....) but now I think perhaps it is the embodiment of a 4yo child and really is just trying to drive me mental. :)

It is currently on the counter as it is NOT behaving at all, and I swear I can hear it snickering.... LOL When it did the reset thing, I thought maybe it was just the battery.... but changing it didn't help. It's not being friendly..... And I WANT it to be my friend! :)

But I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuungry!!

2010-03-16T12:46:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how my children can always be so hungry yet never actually EAT anything they are served... unless it's something that falls into the "junk food" category.

My daughters ate exactly one bite each of their lunch yesterday. They ASSURED me they were no longer hungry and that they UNDERSTOOD there would be nothing else until snack... and that there would be NO SECONDS on snack.

As I am smarter than they are, I saved their plates.

Sure enough, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe an hour past lunch, the younger one informs me she's "STARVING!!!". I pointed her towards her uneaten lunch and suggested she eat it now that she was hungry. No can do, she tells me. No teeth. Too hard to eat a turkey (her choice, I might add) sandwich when you are missing all the front teeth.

I told her if she was hungry she would find a way to eat it, and that if she couldn't eat a nice soft sandwich, I seriously doubted she could eat anything else.

She managed to eat the entire thing... and the apple slices.

The older one lasted about 90 minutes before she too was dying to hunger. When I reminded her that I had SAVED her peanut butter and jelly (again, the sandwich she requested) sandwich for her and that she could certainly eat it now that she was hungry, the drama began.

And continued through to snack time. See, she may have been dying of hunger, but apparently she was not hungry enough to actually eat the sandwich in question. Only complain about it.

Come snack time, every child got a serving of animal crackers. Both the girls INHALED theirs and were absolutely incensed when I told them there were no seconds, sorry. When they continued to complain about being hungry, I offered carrots. Amazingly enough, neither was hungry any longer, at least not for carrots.

So you'd think there wouldn't be a repeat performance today, wouldn't you? HA! There is one indigo plate and one pink plate (yes, they all have their own colors) sitting with plastic wrap on each as both ate scarcely more than 1/3 of their hotdog... and did not touch the carrots or peas that were also served.

I can't wait til they starve to death again. ;)

School woes....

2010-03-15T07:35:00.002-05:00

S often tells me he's "too sick" to go to school. I don't really know why he does this as he LIKES school - always has fun, and always comes home happy from school.

Today he got out of bed and informed me he was far too sick to go to school.

Being the loving, caring, compassionate mother I am, I told him he could stay home today.

He was so happy that I didn't have the heart to remind him it's Spring Break. :)

The things she says, pt 500

2009-08-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

Monday.

After we leave gymnastics, I always ask the girls "What was the best thing you did tonight? And what did you do best?". Meaning, of course, what their favorite thing was and what they felt they did the best. Oftentimes, the answers are not what I expect!!

The girls had worked floor, vault, and then H went to beam while A went to bars. I asked my usual question of "What was the best thing you did tonight?"

A tells me "Uhhh.... beam."

I said, " Did you DO beam? Hey, you didn't DO beam, stinker!"

She says "EXACTLY! That's why it was the best!"

Wednesday.

Today is S's birthday. He is four. Combine gymnastics with dinner out (McDonald's), cake at home, and opening presents, and it makes for a late bedtime. Both the girls are dealing with colds and both were grumpy.

I went through at about 9:30pm and told them to close their games and it was lights out. Many protests ensued and H said her nose was stuffy and could I give her something to help clear it out?

We were in the kitchen getting her some Dimetapp when A appeared. I WISH I'd had a camera to capture the look of indignation on her face, but I didn't!!

She stood there, glared at me, and announced loudly, "MOM! I'm sick."

And then she turned to look right at me and followed up with, "SICK OF HAVING TO GO TO BED!!!"

I KNOW I should have given her hell for her flippant attitude, but it's REALLY hard to do that when you are choking back laughter!! I managed to tell her to GO TO BED and then had to go laugh in the other room. She's a mess!!

Family Reunion Joy

2009-08-13T21:37:00.000-05:00

R's family reunion is coming up.

I hate these at the best of times - lemme tell you, sitting in a hotel room with the kids while everyone else golfs isn't exactly fun - but this year is even worse.

Cuz it's in Memphis.

Except not Memphis, Tennessee.

Nope, it's in Memphis, TX.

Where, you ask? There's a Memphis in Texas??

Oh yeah, and let me tell you what a rocking place it is! Population 2400 with a median male income of $24K and a median female income of $18K.

Trying to make the best of it, I googled it, looking for area attractions. Guess what came up in the list?

"Hugh's Funeral Home".

I understand people are dying to see it. (sorry, I could not help myself)

I simply cannot wait to go.

2009-07-30T13:40:00.002-05:00

So I add a new child into the mix today - non-walking, special needs, not quite 3yo. Everything goes fine this am.

But today is library day, so I bundle everyone into the van (in the rain, I might add) and off we go. THAT part is fine, although S was peeved that I made him sit in the "UGLY BLUE SEAT" in the middle row when he wanted to sit in the "PINK SEAT IN THE BACK AND YOU ARE MEAN!!!!"... and A says my singing is horrible and she should call the police to have me arrested for torturing small children. Pretty typical, what can I say?

Once at the library, we're still doing fine. Get everyone out of the van. Decide it will probably be easier to carry the non-walker rather than get the stroller (which I left at home anyways cuz it is filthy and gross), so I throw on my (pink) sling, drop his skinny butt in, and turn to see five other little kids careening all over the sidewalk. Damn. They're all mine!!!!

Yell at them all to smarten up or they are going to get it. I hear some guy going "Miss... excuse me? Miss?" and I'm thinking DAMMIT, who is running away NOW, where are those rotten kids, madly counting them, making sure I have the five walkers right there and silently wondering why the hell we take out so many books anyways cuz the damn bag is HEAVY.

Scary looking younger guy asks if I know where Human Resources is. Uhhh no, but this IS the library, and you can probably find out inside?? He's trying to help me in the door with the kids, I'm totally creeped out by him (no reason either, just a vibe, kwim??), kids are running wild, G is pulling my hair over my face, S is attached to my leg, H goes to open the door, S pitches a fit cuz he's three and HE WANTS TO DO IT NO FAIR, C takes off running the minute the door opens....

Damn, we're not even inside yet!!!

Inside, there's a line at the desk. I stop to drop our books in the return drawer. B & S are singing a song about being at the library. C is pretending he is a cat and winding through people's legs. H and A are trying to help but I think they are making it worse. G is "helping" still by running his hands in my hair and putting it over my eyes, all well smiling at everyone and anyone, which means he is turning and throwing me off balance.

It's all good.

H finally gets C corralled, A gets a hand on B & S, S immediately shrieks "DON'T TOUCH ME, LET ME GO, I WANT MOMMY!!". Other moms are snickering, thinking "Thank goodness it's not me!!!". WE go back to the Children's section and pick books out in literally eight seconds flat. I felt like I was on an 8-second bull ride anyways!!! I manage to pile 50lbs worth of books into the bag, somewhat offsetting the 30lbs of kid on my other side, and we head to the checkout.

I bark "SIT! STAY!" and point to the floor. Three bottoms drop (the boys). G finds this hilarious and wants down, so he starts twisting and pointing. A is threateningly patiently standing over the three sitters, shoving gently patting their heads back down when they move. H helps by taking the books as I check them out, putting them in the bag, then handing me the bag.

Manage to corral them all and we head out.

Except creepy guy starts out right after us.

I'm sure he was perfectly nice and fine, and it was just me, but he gave me the "pricklies", kwim?? I don't really want to start strapping kids into the van while he's hanging around, so just outside the door we stop and I ask who needs to get a drink of water before we go, giving him a chance to go past us. H took the drinkers and the pee-ers back in while I stayed just outside the door with the others and kept an eye on Creepy Guy.

Kids come back out, I strap everyone in all while watching CG, who has crossed the street and is doubling back. I'm mentally wondering how fast I can send H in for help while dialling 911 on my cell phone when he abruptly turns and walks off in the other direction. Thank goodness!!

So from there, we go to McDonald's. DRIVE THRU, people, and thank GOD for Drive Thru!! The idea of taking the kids out again scares the living snot right out of me!!

We're all fine and dandy til we get home (aside from I'm sure we must have looked like a clown car as she kept passing me Happy Meals). once home, I release everyone from their seats and tell them to go in and sit at the table. I put G on the floor inside the door and tell him to go find H, she'll put him in his seat.

Turkeyboy (G) has other ideas and sits in the doorway watching me til he sees I have my hands full.. then smiles like a demon and makes a break for it.

Down the driveway.

In the pouring rain.

Laughing the whole way as I go running after him with seven Happy Meals hanging from my fingers.

Days like today make my day.

The tomato vs the mockingbird

2009-07-17T11:43:00.002-05:00

About 100 years ago, I planted a "patio tomato" plant in a container on the... well.... patio!!

It's been growing really nicely, even has quite a few tomatoes on it. One was nice and big, but has been green forever and a day. I kept waiting on it to turn red, and had finally decided it was probably some rare form of green tomato and I was losing my mind.

Last week, it started to get an orange glow to it.

We also have a nest of mockingbirds in our wisteria (the "Harry Potter" plant). A few weeks ago, I assume the babies were fledging as the parents became very brave and very vocal, "yelling" at us any time we were in the backyard and even biting the dogs & cats in the backside. THAT in itself is a funny story that I never got adequate photos of, but nonetheless, they were aggressive. And brave. And suddenly, they were gone. No longer harrassing us constantly, although I still see them in the yard.

Yesterday I commented to R that the tomato was almost ripe for picking and I was looking forward to a cheese & tomato sandwich.

Today I glanced out the window and saw the mockingbird back. He was sitting on the eave... then dropped down to the basketball net (it's a Little Tikes one, so small!), then apparently dropped to the patio. I was happy to see him, but also wondered if one of the cats had been left out unintentionally by one of the kids and he was harrassing the cat again.

So I walked over and looked out.

And the little f*&#$er was having a go at my tomato!!!!

I threw open the door and he just LOOKED at me, then went back to attempting to eat it. I shooed him off and told him he could go eat from the birdfeeder that I put out SPECIFICALLY for him and the cardinal (and that I fill up every.damn.day - 5lbs of birdseed in a day! Even the ducks from the pond walk over for their free meal!), but he was NOT eating my tomato. I've waited far too long for the stupid thing to get ripe, and I was NOT about to share with a mockingbird!!

I don't think he was impressed.

But I sure am looking forward to lunch!!

Funny. but not funny.

2009-07-13T14:25:00.002-05:00

My mom has a habit when she visits of putting my knives in the sink to wash... then forgetting they are there and slicing her hand when she reaches in.

Today I was washing knives and thinking how funny/not funny it is that she does that. See, I usually leave the knife on the counter until I am ready to wash it, then pick it up by the handle and wash the blade, never letting the knife go.... thus never putting it in a position where I could unknowingly cut myself.

Right?

Right.

Except there is my good ole friend Murphy and his stinky Law.

So today, as I was washing a knife and thinking I was SO SMART for washing them the way I do and not cutting my finger on them, one of the kids asked me something. I paused with the knife in my left hand, scrubber in my right, and turned to reply... which is when Mr. Murphy kindly grabbed my right hand and sliced my finger open with the knife.

(ok, so I did it myself by moving my hand too close to the knife... still... the irony of it all kills me)

Sex Ed.

2009-07-07T20:46:00.001-05:00

H asked yesterdy if all babies start in their mommy's tummies...... I said yes.

Of course, that's not good enough for her, and she wants to know how they get in there to begin with.

So I give her the short & curly verison about Mommy & Daddy loving each other and deciding they want to have a baby together, and how Mommy has an egg and Daddy gives her a sperm, and taaa daaa, baby.

Fortunately for me she doesn't ask HOW Daddy gives a sperm, but rather, wants to know more about how the egg & sperm actually become a human baby.

So I explain that every person starts off as two tiny cells coming together, and those two cells just keep making more cells, and those cells eventually all get together with their buddies to make different parts of a baby - like the heart cells hang out and make a heart, leg cells make a leg... armies make an arm... you get it.

Again, I am relieved she doesn't want an explanation of how babies get OUT, although I think I'd rather tackle that one that how it gets in there.

SO

The kids are sitting here having lunch and H is lecturing them on how babies are made.

Great. ;) Can't wait to explain to DCM why B (daycare boy) is telling her that at dinner.....

HOWEVER

My personal favorite?

She leans over the chair I'm sitting in and says, "Mom, why did you have three of us??"

Some days I ask myself the very same thing.

The Funeral.

2009-07-06T12:20:00.003-05:00

We came home yesterday to find Zoe the guinea pig dead.

To be quite frank, we have all known this was coming for a while now. She was old for a guinea pig, and had slowed down considerably as of late. Several times lately I've had to stop and really look to see if she was still breathing.

Naturally, we had to have a funeral.

H and I went out and chose a place for Zoe under the "Hummingbird Tree" as H calls it (which is the big tree in the back with the horse swing). I dug a hole, she asked questions about how Zoe died, why Zoe died, you get the idea.

So then she asks if she can carry Zoe out. Absolutely, I tell her. Have Daddy help you wrap her up nicely in some paper towel and we'll bury her like that.

R wants to know if he should put her in a plastic bag or anything. I said no, thinking plastic's not going to decompose.

So in they go, and out they come a few minutes later. H is solemnly carrying Zoe in her outstretched hands.

They get out to where I'm standing (gravedigger extraordinaire!) with the other two. H very gently lays Zoe down in the hole and looks at me. I ask her if she'd like to say a few words before we cover her up. She nods, then throws her hand over her heart and glares at us as if to say "HELLO PEOPLE, HANDS OVER YOUR HEARTS!!"

So there the five of us are, everyone with their hand over their hearts, the little ones with their eyes scrinched shut. H goes on for a few minutes about what a nice guinea pig Zoe was, how we all loved her, how pretty she was, and how sad we all are. Meanwhile, I am biting my bottom lip and trying very hard not to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and wondering just what the heck the neighbor's babysitter (who is in their backyard with their baby) must be thinking.....

We covered her up, said how nice a place it is for her, how she's happy and fine where she is now, and head back inside.

And you know what happened next, right?

from A ---- "CAN WE GET ANOTHER CAT?"
(cuz I'd already said no more guinea pigs.... LOL)

Conversations, competitions....

2009-06-26T13:46:00.001-05:00

H - Mom, can I borrow your camera?

K - Ahhhh NO. Why do you need it anyways?

H - Cuz I want to take a picture of the hole in the sandbox

K - Stop digging holes and you are NOT using my camera, go find your own.

H - But I can't fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind either of them!!

K - You have two cameras and you can't find either one, yet you don't understand why I won't let you use mine?

H - yeah. Why won't you? You're meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!! You're selfish! You just want me to have NO FUN AT ALL today (side note - hahahaha, she's on to my evil game, apparently)

K - Go find your own damn cameras. If you can't take care of them, you're sure as hell not using mine.

She's since gone off whining about all the injustice in the world. Such a hard life, I *almost* feel sorry for her!!!

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Every year I say I am not buying another damn Slip & Slide.

Every year, I buy a new one. I'm not quite certain why I do that. I have to post the pics of the box and of what it REALLY looks like, but I'll do that later.

Right now, I'll tell you about the girls.

All morning long, H was consistently beating the pants off A. H would slide on her belly and win every race (it's a double wide); A landed on her knees time and time again and only went half way down the slide.

Then A figured it out.

And I couldn't tell WHO won anymore, so I told them the winner was whoever grabbed the flag first.

At first it was an even split - they won alternate races and all was good.

But the more A slid, the more she fine-tuned herself until she was sliding so well she would shoot off the end of the slide, which was funny as hell to watch, particularly as she twisted to grab the flag as she shot past.

H did NOT like this turn of events at all, and made certain to let all of the neighbors know about it by screaming, yelling, and pretty much throwing a tantrum that her sister was kicking her butt every race. Forget the fact that SHE won every race all morning - all that mattered was that she was not winning now.

A, being the little snot she is, would jump up, thrust the flag over her head, and stand there staring at her sister as if daring her to just TRY and get the flag away. No laughing. No smiling. Just a look of utter triumph.

I couldn't help but laugh. And at the same time, I am so afraid of what is going to happen during meet season this year......

Daycare Dramatics

2009-06-26T13:42:00.001-05:00

R (9.5yrs) & Amber (8.5yrs) arrive. I CLEARLY explain they are ALL going upstairs to QUIETLY watch a movie, that the girls are tired and need to rest, that they are not to do anything other than watch a movie, NO video games, NO toys, NO NOTHING. Sit there, lie there, I don't care, it's QUIET REST TIME and you need to be QUIET and REST.

R asks if they can play video games

Did I not just say NO?

Then he asks why.

My head flies off as I spew profanities at him.

They all disappear upstairs.

R comes back downstairs and asks if I know where "The Wild" is.

I say no.

He asks again, you know, in case I know THIS time.

I say no again.

He asks a third time.

I lose my mind and ask if he can SEE THE PILE OF SHIT in front of the TV, point out it's probably in that big pile, and perhaps THEY SHOULD LOOK FOR IT because I have picked up the damn DVDs TOO MANY TIMES already this week and I'm not doing it again, if they can't take care of them I sure as hell can't be bothered to go find it for them.

He whines - actually WHINES!!! - "But Aaaaaa and I waaaaant to seeeeee it! It's the ooooooooooooonly one we waaaaaaaaaaaaant"

My head flies off and explodes.

H yells down the stairs, "R YOU BETTER STOP SHE'S NOT NICE WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN!!!!"

I guess I AM getting through on SOME level to her after all......

Call me Hef!

2009-06-13T21:32:00.001-05:00

S (3yrs) comes running through to where I am sitting last night, wearing only a shirt and a purple bucket on his head.

He stops about 6" short of me, pushes the bucket up so he can glare out from underneath the rim, and informs me, "I'm not S anymore. Call me Hef!"

I laugh - cuz seriously, a half naked 3-yo Hef? hahahahahaha I look at his dad and say "Did he just tell me to call him Hef, or have I been drinking again?"

R looks at me like I'm crazy and asks S what he said.

"HEF!", he yells. "CALL ME HEF!! NOT S, NOT KEVIN, NOT HEAVEN - HEF!!!! HEF!!!"

He pulls the bucket back down over his head and burns out of the room, bare bottom hanging out from below his shirt.

I need to stop watching TV when he's awake.

Mommafied

2009-05-11T20:08:00.003-05:00

Ah, my poor, neglected blog. I have so many good intentions, just like I have good intentions to REALLY get serious about following WW and lose this damn butt that keeps following me around!!

SO. let's just pretend I was never MIA and jump right back in...

I stopped at the grocery store tonight on the way home from gymnastics. Picked up two big bunches of bananas and started walking over to get cereal. Saw a guy in a baseball cap who looked familiar. He was with a young teenage-ish girl. I smiled and said hello, he returned the smile and said hi back. I madly tried to place where I knew him from - gymnastics? swimming? the Y? school?? soccer? - but it eluded me.

As I grabbed the Cheerios, I realized where I knew him from.

CD covers. Music websites. CNN.

It was Garth Brooks.

I love the fact that I immediately jumped to child-related activities for that!

---------

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Day. Our PTO sends home notes with "suggestions" for each day. I'm sure some people find this pushy, but I'll tell you what - I appreciate it. They take the "OMG, what do I get??" out of it.

Anyway, Thursday was "make your teacher a card" day. I sat both girls down at the table with cardstock and markers, told them to make their cards, and went out to mow the lawn.

When I came back in, the cards were finished and on the table. The children were in bed. I read the cards.

H had written "PS - Am I your favorite student?" PPS - Just checking to make sure!" on hers, which cracked me up.

A's took the cake though. Always one to outdo her big sister, she took hers to extreme, writing "PS - Are you my favorite teacher? PPS - Just checking to make sure!" on hers.

I about died laughing, hoping both teachers would appreciate the humor in the cards.

I also emailed them a disclaimer, stating DH had overseen the card operation, and I hoped they both found them as funny as I did.

The things they say

2009-02-18T10:57:00.000-06:00

S-man has been going through a nose-picking phase, so we are constantly reminding him, "Don't pick your nose!!"

The other day, he informed his father, "I'm NOT picking my nose! I'm just trying to get this booger out!"

We're still snickering.

Things that make you go hmmmm

2009-01-01T18:11:00.003-06:00

I was in a bathroom in a restaurant in Canada. Big sign on the mirror stating all employees must wash their hands before returning to work (gee thanks.... I feel much better knowing you need to remind your employees of that?!?!?!).

The bathroom itself was apparently designed to be relatively sanitary. Touch-free automatic flushers. Automatic water. Automatic soap dispenser. Even the automatic paper-towel dispenser!!

Only catch? To get out of the bathroom, you have to pull the door towards you. Meaning you just got a handful of all those people who DIDN'T wash their hands afterwards.

And for those of you (like me) who use a paper towel on the handle? No trash can anywhere near to drop it into.

I don't get it.

I also don't get the commercials I see for souvenir coins on TV. You know the ones - struck in real Liberian dollars! The $20 9/11 version we just saw "normally sells to collectors for $39.95, but can be yours today at the face value of only $20! Limit 5 per collector."

Which leads me to ask..... if I can have it at face value, shouldn't that be in Liberian dollars? Checking today's exchange rate, $20 Liberian dollars is worth approximate 31.5 US cents............. If I send them face value, think they'll send me a coin?

the conversations we have.....

2008-11-14T08:38:00.002-06:00

Driving home from gymnastics on Wednesday.....

H: Hey Mom, if you're not dead when I finish college, will you help me build a rocketship??
Me: Uhhhhh........ dead???
H: Yeah! If you're not dead, will you?
Me: Why on earth would I be dead? I'm not THAT old and I don't think you'll be in college that long!! I won't be dead!!
H: WHATEVER! Will you help me or NOT?
Me: Uhhhh..... sure. but I'll probably have to go back to college with you to learn how to do that, cuz Mommy's smart and all but you have to study all kinds of things. blah blah"

A BURSTS into tears, absolutely sobbing. I ask her what's wrong.

A: But if you all go to the moon, WHO WILL STAY HOME WITH ME????

Where is the logic, people?????? Mind you, I suppose this makes sense after a conversation on the way TO gym..... We drove past a cemetary.

H: Hey, are there lots of people buried in the graveyard?
A: Buried? Or MARRIED??? <>
H: Married? Who gets married in a cemetary?
A: MOMMY would! Right Mommy? Would you get married in a cemetary? There would be lots of people there!!! <>
Me: Uhhhhh...... lemme call Daddy!!

When you consider that these are the kinds of conversations that make up the bulk of my day, it's a wonder I'm sane at all. Or am I?

Halloween

2008-11-11T17:07:00.005-06:00

Yep, late as usual.

H as Glinda the Good Witch. I hated sewing this costume. The damn satin kept shredding at the seams despite being serged. H stuck her finger through one of the bodice seams when she tried it on and then put her elbows through the sleeves when she wore it to the Harvest Fest.... which then necessitated my taking the sleevs off and replacing them with entirely new ones. However, she did end up winning third prize in a costume contest and SHE loved the costume, which is really all that matters.

A as Dorothy. Yes, I am biased, but I think she makes a most excellent Dorothy! Her costume was MUCH easier than her sister's!!

Last but not least, the Short One as Elvis. now THIS costume I thoroughly enjoyed making, despite all the finicky parts! Sure I burned the snot out of my fingertips putting on all the studs, stones, and stars, and I learned things like you can't wash buckram (now how stupid is that), but all in all, it was fun. and it was even more fun taking him out in it!

His guitar also doubled as a treat bag (there is an opening and a strap you can't see), but her refused to use it as such once he got the lovely TRU bag from the giveaway Halloween afternoon.

Babyhead - the trauma of it all

2008-10-29T11:44:00.003-05:00

Mornings like today are the ones I live for. They are also the ones that make me pull my hair out. Fortunately, I usually find them funnier than aggravating....

A called her sister a "babyhead". And it all started. I know, I know, I totally understand - I mean, how much worse does it get than being called a babyhead? Much shrieking ensued (and yes, I will admit, acting LIKE a babyhead), with H yelling that A called her a babyhead and A insisting that she only did it BECAUSE H was BEING a babyhead (score one for A).

This went on for a few minutes while I pretended to be deaf and sipped my coffee.

S finally settled it for us though. He and his buddies had been watching Noggin and he decided to change the words from a song to be something more suitable.... so he came through singing,

"Where oh where oh where is babyhead?
Where oh where oh where is babyhead?
Where oh where oh where is babyhead?
Oh that's the babyhead THERE"

And his little finger jabbed out and pointed directly at the now screaming H. Which threw her into convulsive fits of screaming "I am NOT A BABYHEAD!!!" when in fact she very much WAS a babyhead.

But I digress.

And I admit I had a hard time not bursting out laughing. Cuz they were, after all, very much correct.

"Cloth PullUps"

2008-10-24T09:31:00.003-05:00

Ah, three year olds.

What can I say? I either can't stop laughing or I want to strangle him.

Today was one of those mornings. When S gets something in his head, he's impossible to sway. Lately he's been wanting to wear Diego PullUps. Why I have no idea - we're closing in on a YEAR of being potty trained, and he hasn't worn them at night even for a good six months or so now. And even telling him things like "Big boys don't wear pullups, they wear underwear" or "Sorry, we don't HAVE ANY DAMN DIEGO PULLUPS" doesn't cut it.

So when he started in this morning about wanting a Diego PullUp, I wanted to PullUp all right.... pullup all my hair by the roots in frustration!!

I told him to put his underwear on, handing him a pair of cute but boring red Hanes boxer briefs.

He threw them on the floor screaming "I WANT A DIEGO PULLUP I HATE THE RED UNDERWEAR I AM NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!"

I (stupidly) try to reason with him. Yeah. Like reasoning with a three year old has ever worked. But whatever. I hadn't had my coffee yet.

The fit continues. I ask if he'd like to wear his Diego underwear. I tell him he can wear his red underwear, he can wear his Diego underwear, he can go commando - I don't freaking CARE but there ARE NO PULLUPS SO STOP SCREAMING AT ME.

Only I was nice. Cuz I'm still trying to be reasonable. With a three year old.

As he's lying flat on his back hollering at me (have I mentioned I love 3yo temper tantrums?), something his dad said smacked me in the head..... so I looked at him and said "HEY! Do you want a CLOTH Pullup??"

BAM! Tantrum OVER!

He jumped up, all full of smiles and said "YES! A CLOTH pullup would be GREAT!!"

So I handed him his Diego underwear and told him to put them on. And he said "THANK YOU Mommy!!" as he put on his underwear - wait, scuse me - cloth pullup that only moments before he'd been screaming refusals about.

I'm still not sure who conned who there.

the one in which my brother laughs back

2008-10-17T07:37:00.003-05:00

My brother and his significant other (whom we all ADORE) visited last weekend. Aside from having to face the pumpkin patch with A's kindergarten class and a RAGING hangover, I very much enjoyed their visit.

My brother called the day after they got home, asking for laundry advice. Apparently he washed J's white LuLu jacket with one of his red shirts and the jacket was now pink. I wished him luck and gave him a couple of suggestions, including just fessing up to her and maybe she liked pink!!

Several phone calls later, the jacket was still pink and all options were exhausted. He admitted defeat and said he was going to tell her and buy her another.

In the end, he called back laughing. Turns out the jacket was pink all along!! I laughed pretty hard at this.

But he got me back.

The carpet in the kids playroom has been getting stinkier, so I went up there after dark with my stinkfinder light, intending to find all the spots that needed some extra attention when I scrubbed it today. Figured I'd circle them with a washable marker that I use when I sew and it would simply shampoo out.

First marker didn't leave marks, so I went downstairs in search of a thicker marker (and you ALL know where this is going, don't you!).

Found a bright blue on in the cupboard. Scribbled on my hand - PERFECT. Went upstairs and tried again. It still wasn't great, but I found if I made several circles around the spot, it showed up well.

So I spent half an hour crawling around drawing blue circles on the carpet. I was pretty pleased with myself when I went in to wash the marker spots off my hand.

Except.....

the blue didn't wash off.

Because....

some idiot (ME!) didn't check to make sure it was a freaking WASHABLE marker. And good ole Murphy and his damn law made sure I grabbed probably the ONLY non-washable Crayola marker in this entire house.

SERIOUSLY! How did this happen? I mean, I have little kids here all week and they love to color! And I KNOW better than to allow any non-washable markers in this house!! I literally have STACKS of brand-new Crayola washable markers in the cupboard (hey, gotta stock up when Target puts them on for $1 at Back to School time!), yet I manage to grab one that isn't washable?

And yes, it was Crayola.

My brother thought it was pretty funny.

And today I will be scrubbing blue ink from the carpet and reminding myself not to yell at the next child who writes on the floor..... ;)

Karma..... it'll get you every time.

Literally Three

2008-10-16T13:54:00.002-05:00

I love my son, I really do. Even when he talks nonstop and I want to scream "PLEASE! Just give Mommy ONE MINUTE of silence, okay???".

Why?

Because he's funny.

Last night he was stalling on going to bed, so I picked him up and said, "Do you want to know something?"

He looked at me all serious and deadpanned, "Nope. I want to YES something!"

How can you not laugh? :)

A Tale of Target

2008-09-23T21:53:00.002-05:00

ON Saturday, we headed to Target to get a birthday gift for one of H's classmates.

True to form, S decided he NEEDED to ride in a cart and it NEEDED to be a big red one, so R gets one and brings it over to where the kids and I are checking out the Dollar Spot stuff. When R realizes what all we're NOT getting and sees we really don't need a cart, he goes to put it back, leaving me with the kids.

Naturally all 3 kids are begging for various things. There are a couple of Tinkerbell items that would make good stocking stuffers for the girls, but I can't pick them up with the girls there.

I see Roger behind me with a cart. I back up to him, get very close, lean over, and say, "I need to come back here alone. Without the kids. Just some mommy time, okay?". Not taking my eyes off the children to make sure they aren't filling their hands with things we *need*.

He says nothing, so I sigh and tell him I'd really like to just spend some time alone with him for a change and not have the children with us every waking moment. Still no comment.

Meanwhile, A is shoving S, so I go over and separate them just as R comes up with the big red cart again. He tells me hi and sorry for leaving but he figured we did need the big cart after all.

WHAT?

I look up.... and finally look around me.

There is a man wearing a blue shirt (same as R) who is giving me the oddest look as he beats a hasty retreat away from me. Apparently it was HIM I was getting close to and not R at all!!!

Can't you just imagine what must have been going through his head?? LOL

You know you're on WW when.....

2008-09-16T20:39:00.001-05:00

you mutter "Look at that, week 2 and I've already lost......"

and your 7 year old pipes up and says "Another ten pounds??"

HA! I wish!!!

(I've already lost the ziplock bag to send the required letter of the week pictures back to school in. I think that's a record. This is only the 2nd week it's been sent home!!)

should it concern me

2008-09-16T12:26:00.002-05:00

that my 3yo son is sitting on the floor behind me, carefully yanking plugs of hair out of a doll's head and saying "Ouch Dad, that hurts" in a squeaky high-pitched falsetto voice with every yank??

Probably not half as much as the wrath of his sisters upon discovering their newly bald doll does.

2008-08-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

So 7yo H says to me rather casually, "Mommy, what's a ball sack?".

I half-choke, madly thinking "OMG she CAN'T be asking about what I think she's asking about OMG what do I tell her where DOES she get this stuff from somebody's going to die" and calmly reply, "Oh you know, a big sack you carry balls in. Like the ball sack we use for your soccer stuff!". Pat myself on the shoulder for handling THAT one with such grace and eloquence! WTG Mom! Score one for the parent!!

There's silence from the back seat as she considers this. Then she pipes up again. "Y'know, I don't think that's right".

SHIT. Now what do I say? Thinkthinkthinkdiffusesituationthinkthinkthink!!!

"Where did you hear that, H? Tell me how it was used??"

She says, "Some teenagers."

Upon further questioning, she elaborates. "Yeah, some teenagers wrote all over the playground at school. They wrote all kinds of nasty awful things and Dr A said just to ignore it, not look, and they would take care of it. But it was hard not to look, I looked and saw that!"

At this point, 5yo A chimes in. "YEAH! And it said SUCK MY BALLSACK! And I don't think they meant one with soccer balls, MOM!"

<<>>

***head slapping in the front, wishing myself anywhere but there***

Perhaps silence is the best answer. I'll just pretend that I didn't hear any of it.

From the back, H speaks. "So.... what IS a ballsack then??"

I finally get smart and do what I should have done in the first place.

"ASK YOUR FATHER WHEN WE GET HOME!"

Two year olds are weird.

2008-06-20T08:18:00.002-05:00

And they have weird eating habits.

Like my son, for example.

Yesterday, I caught him sneaking food out and eating when he was supposed to be napping. I think most NORMAL children would sneak sweets or crackers, wouldn't you?

Not my child.

No, I caught him sitting happily on the floor, eating a leftover cob of corn from dinner the night before. Kinda hard to scold him on that one... I mean, do you give a child heck for eating veggies?? Not to mention it's hard to even be remotely annoyed when there's this grin behind the corn and he waves at me and tells me "I LOVE corn, Mommy! It's so delicious!".

This morning, he insisted on a hot dog for breakfast. Only not a hot dog in the bun & wiener sense, but just in the naked wiener. Next he's going to be wanting more watermelon.... ;)

Days of summer

2008-06-02T10:02:00.005-05:00

You know it's summer time when feet come in blackened, faces are dirty, hair is wild, and the kids are smiling.

it's like a scene from a bad, bad movie......

2008-03-27T22:31:00.002-05:00

I thought potty training was a good idea.

I thought I was blessed with a genius child.

I thought having him use the toilet would be easier than this! :)

Despite S training in record time, and despite him being really an angel of a kid when it comes to the toilet, there are things he needs to work on.

Like not finding the need to remove everything but his t-shirt in order to use the toilet.

And not running around starkers in the back yard.

But mostly, there's just something really uncool about sitting on your mom's lap and pulling down your undies to show your mom that "LOOK, IT'S REALLY BIG!!!" and standing at attention.

Even if you are only two, and it's terribly funny to your mom.

Travelling (part 2)

2008-03-19T08:38:00.002-05:00

So anyways..... we recently went to Mexico for a family vacation. I should have known it was a bad omen when we actually left the house on time!!

The problems started at Security. It's 5am. We're there with 3 kids, their backpacks, our laptops, and a carseat. The guy behind me in line takes his shoes off and drops them in the grey basket that I am about to put mine into... then keeps shoving it along. I'm not sure if he just wasn't awake yet or what, but he was irritating the snot out of me!!

S completely endeared himself to the security guard - she had him walk through the metal detector and he went straight to her and wrapped his arms around her legs in the biggest hug I've seen in a while. I thought this could be a problem - let's face it, most don't have a sense of humor - but she seemed quite pleased by it!

Unfortunately, another MrHappy had pulled my bag aside and informed me he was going to look in it. Not a problem, but I didn't understand why as I'd only packed swimsuits and the likes in case our luggage got lost en route. MrHappy tells me NOT TO TOUCH THE BAG and to STEP BACK as he opens it up... uhhhhh, all righty then, I wasn't going to touch it and I'm at least 3 feet away, but whatever. Turns out I had unthinkingly thrown in a bottle of sunscreen. Genius. I can't believe I did that. We had 40 minutes til our flight was scheduled to depart and chose to chuck it rather than try and get it in our baggage. Case closed.

HOWEVER, Mr. Murphy and his Law were already at work, and our flight was delayed.... because someone didn't power the aircraft down the night before, and the battery was essentially drained. The way I understand it, they more or less needed a jumpstart to get it going.

Things finally got rolling, and we boarded. As we walked to the jetway, the super-pleasant lady told us we would likely miss our connecting flight, but not to worry, they would rebook us on another airline. JUST what I need.

The flight was bumpy. Denver, as always, was experiencing less than perfect weather and this necessitated seatbelts for the latter half of the flight. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but 5yo A needed to pee. And she needed to go BADLY. You'd think a 5yo crying "I NEED TO PEE!!!" would cause some people to be courteous and let us off the plane, but no...... and (of course) we were at the very back......

A and I got off the plane and RAN to the closest bathroom, not even bothering to agree on a meeting place with Daddy. She made it - barely. Once out, I checked the departing flights and was surprised to see that our flight to Cabo was delayed by 10 minutes and we actually stood a chance of making it.... if we could find Daddy.

A quick look around with no sign of him, and I decided we'd head for the gate. It was 30 gates away and we needed to boogie if we had any hope of making it. We ran into R, H, & S at the next set of bathrooms and all ran together.

Let me set the scene for you. S was sitting in his carseat, which was strapped to a rolling luggage cart ($14 at WalMart -forget that fancy $250 airplace carseat with wheels, this works just as well!). I'm carrying my laptop, his backpack, and A's backpack. R and H are ahead, running for the gate. I'm pushing S in the carseat contraption - which, by the way - is nowhere near as well designed as a jogging stroller - carrying the backpacks, and literally dragging 5yo A along.

We do this for 30 gates, passing a couple of people from our previous flight.

We catch up to H and I add cheerleading to the list of things I am doing..... cheering both girls on while we run.

Get to our gate... and they tell us they have JUST closed the aircraft doors and we are too late. Naturally. Because, after all, I'm running on 90 minutes of sleep, no food, and we've just run 30 gates. Damn Murphy.

We get rebooked on another flight... in a different terminal. I try to make the situation positive and say we can get some breakfast (cuz God knows none of the airlines would ever serve you any food) and the Customer Service rep smiles and tells us to check in at the other airline first.

I should have known something was up.

The other airline takes the better part of the hour to get things straightened out... I think my favorite part of the whole thing was when we went to board and were told no.... the supervisor came over VERY quickly at that point and said we WERE getting on the plane and that we had not just spent all that time trying to get things straightened out to be denied boarding, and that they could work out the paperwork on their own once we left. I think I told her I loved her.

They also had all five of us sitting all over the plane. And this was actually okay with me. I was done. Shut down. Did not want to sit with my kids and had no problem with them sitting with other people. The other passengers, however, were not only happy to be moved out of the very last row in the plane, but also happy to be moved away from the children, so once again we sat in the last two rows. Naturally. Cuz there's that unwritten rule....

In the end, the resort was worth all the annoyances of the travel to get there. Going home was a different story, one that I will touch on another day. But when you get up in the morning, walk down to get coffee, and look out to see three grey whales in the ocean, you just can't complain.

At least not too much.

Travelling with Small Children (part 1)

2008-03-19T08:26:00.003-05:00

People often tell us we are brave for flying with three children. Given that my family lives in another country, we don't have much choice. The children have all flown several times - the girls had been to different countries before they were three months old!

Airlines nowadays seem to have astrange concept of travelling with families. They don't let you preboard to secure a carseat, thus causing a backup in the boarding process as I try to get kids sitting still and a carseat strapped in. This is fun. There's nothing like leaning over two seats with two kids trying to do up seatbelts and poking me at the same time as I mud-wrestle the other seat into the space.

I also very much enjoy trying to walk down the plane aisle when the seats are already filled. For reasons completely unknown to me, we ALWAYS end up sitting at the back of the plane. This would make sense, I guess, if they boarded from the back forward. But they don't, so invariably I end up trying to carry a carseat and three backpacks down the aisle without bashing anyone in the head while shuffling at least two children along with my foot. This whole thing is made even more fun when your two year old suddenly sits down in the middle and refuses to move. Believe it or not, it is possible to carry a 2 year old, his carseat, and three backpacks with only minor damage to your fellow passengers.

Once seated, I do have to say I very much LOVE the passengers in the row ahead of us who lean their seats back (leaving the children in carseats NO PLACE to put their feet) and then glare at me when he kicks the seat. Honestly, people, he's not kicking your seat on purpose. You leaned your seat back, and now the seatback is right against the edge of his carseat. If he hadn't pulled his feet up, they would have been amputated at the knee. So give me a break. Put your damn seat upright and it won't be an issue, I promise!!

We thought we were very clever having S potty trained. What a mistake! It completely backfired on us once on an airplane!! He is in the classic "BATHROOM INSPECTOR" stage and loudly insisted every 10 minutes that "I NEED GO PEE, MOMMA!". Every time I would hush him and tell him "Dude, you just went!", he'd get louder and louder. I'm sure the people around us thought I was a horrible mother not taking my child to the bathroom, but hey, what can you do?

Which reminds me.... just a word of caution.... it is NOT a good idea to spend ANY amount of time in an airplane bathroom with your 2 year old who is trying to poop and smells terrible when there is turbulence, no fresh air blowing in there, and you're dealing with the after effects of too much beach party the night before. Not good at all. I seriously wondered at one point what the flight attendants would do if I went bursting out of the one bathroom and into the other to vomit. **Note to self - wine and air travel with small children does not mix!!**

The Joys of Boys

2008-03-13T09:32:00.003-05:00

Being a mom of girls, I used to giggle when people would tell me stories of their sons and their fascination with certain parts of their anatomy. Then when my own son was born and he left it alone, I figured I was doing something right.

Then he potty trained.

And found out wearing underwear - or going commando - gives easy access to everything.

More often than I care to think about, I find the child pantless, giving it a yank for all he's worth. Last week, he discovered he doesn't even have to pull down the undies to get at it - there's that convenient little hole in the front of his shorts! Just big enough to put a small hand in! Check it out, Mom!

My other favorite is the convinction that he cannot have his pants on in order to use the toilet. Cuz there's nothing like being in the middle of the Denver or Chicago airport and having your two year old hollering "I NEED TO PEE!!!" and he drops his drawers right where he stands. This one I'm blaming on his sister (see "Full Moon on Monday" for THAT story). Or when he gets up in the mornings, upzips his footie jammies, rips off the (still dry) PullUp, and then attempts to run to the bathroom with his jammies still around his ankle.

One of these days, he's going to kill himself, I swear.... if he doesn't kill me first!

Another child, another doctor visit

2008-02-26T12:52:00.002-06:00

I had to take S to the doctor today. Turns out he has a blocked gland in a not-so fun place. But he's fine, it's fine, and with any luck, it will remain that way and not get infected.

ANYWAYS....

The kid is crazy. Completely and utterly crazy.

I know he's my son and I am biased towards him, but still, I don't think I've ever met another 2yo who is as whackadoodle funny as he is. His "half-birthday" is today, making him officially 2 and a half. HIs vocabulary BLOWS ME AWAY. For example - this morning, I asked him if he was a big boy. He told me "No, Momma.... I'm still growing!!"

So anyways.... back to the doctor visit.

His imagination is something else. He LOVES to pretend. Whether it's an adventure with Diego, a trip with Little Einsteins, or just an imaginary feast, he's all or nothing. There's no half way with him, and he REALLY gets into the role play.

We signed in at the doctor's office and he went off to play in the corner. Next thing I know, he comes running out, hollering "I got you an ice cream, Momma!!" as he hands me the invisible ice cream cone.

I accepted it, thanked him, and pretended to lick it.... which was apparently the right thing to do as he plunked himself down in the chair beside me and started licking HIS.

All of a sudden, he yelled, "QUICK! My ice cream is dripping! HELP ME, MOMMA! Lick it!!" while thrusting it towards me.

So I did what anyone would do - licked the pretend ice cream.

He found this uproariously funny and started laughing. The other child there - a four year old girl - looked at her mother like we were all crazy and asked "What ARE they doing?". Poor child.

Next thing I know, he's holding himself. I ask if he needs to pee. First he tells me no, then quickly changes his mind and yells "YES! I need to pee!" and starts to yank down his pants.

Fortunately for me, he is not his sister and kept his pants up when I gasped, "DUDE! Not here!!", hauling him off to the bathroom.

From there, we had rocketship adventures with him sitting in each child-sized chair, loudly exclaiming "I'm in the BLUE chair, Momma! I'm flying the BLUE rocket!". We shared birthday cake (which, I might add, came complete with the dramatics of him "baking" the cake, putting candles in, lighting them, and then singing). We crossed the desert, ran away from the sandstorm, and got caught in a snowstorm. The snowstorm did involve putting coats back on (I convinced him I didn't need mine), but in the end, he ran across the room, threw himself into my lap, and yelled "I SAVED YOU, MOMMA!!"

Yeah kid, you sure did.

The things we do as moms.

2008-02-07T10:39:00.000-06:00

On Monday, I took S's diapers away.

I fully expected this to be a spectacular failure, but he has surprised me. Completely and entirely surprised me. He is not only telling me that he needs to go, but has had only a couple of teeny little accidents. And when I say teeny, I mean quarter-sized damp spot in his undies.

He thinks he's hot shit. Runs around yelling "I'm WEARING UNDERWEARS!!!". Tells everyone who will listen that he pees in the toilet and not in his underwears.

Last night, R & the kids met me for dinner. Despite his third successful day, I suggested to R that he put him in a pull-up prior to coming out for dinner. I'm not stupid. I know being at home is one thing and being out is completely different.

So off we go. And once in the restaurant, he gets *that* look, stands up on his chair, and grabs his crotch, loudly exclaiming "I NEED GO PEE!".

Four times we take him to the bathroom. Four times we come back, unsuccessful. The diaper is still dry. It's OBVIOUS he needs to go and that he is not going to go in his diaper.

Finally, he gives up and goes.

Now the thing about S is he has a "prepubescent fat pad", and his "manhood" likes to hide in there... thus making it tricky to stand up and aim. (you KNOW he's going to kill me for this some day, right??) So he's been sitting. And it's fine - AT HOME - because he uses a potty seat on the regular toilet, and that seat has a splash guard.

Of course, Mom is thinking and I figure I'll just stick a finger and aim it in the toilet when he starts to go.

Good theory, except he's not thrilled about it. And when I try and point it down, something goes horribly wrong and it's spraying UP AND OUT, and all over the wall.

So I did what any mom would do.... I improvised and made a splash shield. With my hand. And we both found this remarkably funny.

I think I'll find a piece of plastic I can keep in a ziplock for future bathroom outiong experiences.

Last night, I was just thankful for hot water and lots of soap.

Oh child of mine.....

2008-01-30T20:40:00.000-06:00

Did your mother ever look at you and say, "I hope you have a child JUST LIKE YOU some day!"?

And did you ever laugh in her face as she said that?

I did, and it's coming back to haunt me tenfold now!!

The girls had their well-child checkups yesterday. A turned 5 two weeks ago and is the bane of my exoistence.

The pediatrician asks her to build a block tower, stacking single blocks as high as she can. So A builds three towers side by each, and towards the top pyramids them to come to just one.

He looks at it, says "That's great, but why did you do it that way?"

She tells him "Because I DON'T LIKE the way YOU did it".

I wanted to crawl under the exam table and die, but we'd already discussed her defiant behavior.

He asked her to name the letter on a block.

She did, correctly.

He asked her the color on another.

She got it right again.

He started to point to a 3rd and she didn't even let him ask before she said "Red A" and rolled her eyes like he was stupid.

Rolled. Her. Eyes. At. The. Pediatrician.

I sat on my hands so I didn't reach over and strangle her.

Onto phone & address. Answers both correctly and tells him, "But I don't know my zipcode cuz MOMMY won't TEACH ME". Glares at me.

Draws her picture, telling him, "And I'll write my name down for you too so you know who did this, okay?".

He asks her to draw a circle. She tells him she ALREADY DID, see, right here, this head is a circle. He asks for a triangle. She blows out a huffy breath and says "OKAY, OKAY, FINE".

I'm apologizing for her behavior. He smiles and tells me it's fine. Takes the pen away from her. All hell breaks loose because she is NOT FINISHED DRAWING HER PICTURE YET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Ensue full blown fit pitching (which, I might add, the ped and I had talked about already...... hahahaha)

He tells her she is indeed done.

I agree, and tell her to get her clothes on before I kill her (only I said it all nice).

She continues to scream at both of us about all the injustice in the world and how we are MEAN MEAN MEAN and she just wants to FINISH HER PICTURE and GIVE ME BACK THE PEN.

He tells me there is nothing wrong with her other than she is extremely smart... probably a little too much for her own good. Tells me to hang in there and keep doing what I am doing - being consistent and firm. He leaves.

She finally shuts up, puts her clothes on, walks out to the front desk, and acts like the sweetest child ever, saying "Oh thank you" and batting those big brown eyes at the receptionists who gave her stickers.

In a nutshell, everything is good, she's going through a phase (no kidding), and she should go to bed earlier.

Me, I'm cursing my mother for wishing this upon me.

I have a confession

2008-01-28T07:52:00.002-06:00

I haven't been entirely honest with any of you lately about the status of my relationship. It's been going downhill and it's time to come clean.

It started innocently enough. A quick glance while visiting a friend. A longer look. A lingering touch. One thing lead to another, and I knew it was time to move on. I've talked to a friend and she's encouraged me to move forward and let go of the past.

I considered my current relationship. While it had started out well enough, things have been going downhill for the past year or so. He's been for therapy on three different occasions but things don't seem to get any better. I still have to beg to get him to perform, and even at that it's touchy. Move the wrong way and he snaps. And man, my arm hurts afterwards from stroking him just so!

So I thought long and hard.

He's still good with the kids, so I haven't kicked him out entirely. I have explained that I have different needs now and he has agreed he will live upstairs as of yesterday. Hopefully we'll be able to maintain a working relationship.

The other one moved in uesterday afternoon.

He's tall and good looking, distinctively grey. He picks up around the house. The dogs aren't too sure of him, but the kids seem to like him. Me, I am thrilled. Couldn't ask for more. He's an animal in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the living room - everywhere!!

An Absolute Animal. The Dyson DC17 version.

You know you are truely grown up when you get excited about new appliances!

2008-01-28T07:52:00.001-06:00

Shhhh... you need to be quiet....

2007-12-17T11:15:00.000-06:00

A will be 5 next month. She is a small child for reasons unknown to me, weighing in at 32lbs. Her 2yo brother stands almost as tall as she does.

What she lacks in size, she makes up for in sound. Although her voice is quite squeaky, it's loud, and she can crank it up to earsplitting volume.

On Friday, I needed to get out of the house after being trapped all week due to ice. So, I packed up all six kids and we went to the library. The girls were, of course, discussing how you behave in a library.

A piped up and informed us all, "You have to whisper and be quiet in the library because you don't want to DESTROY all the other people!".

H (7 next month) rolled her eyes and said, "Not DESTROY, A... DISTURB! YOU are disturbing!"... which (of course) set A off into shrieks of protest.

Funny thing is, when she gets loud, she is also DESTROYING. Destroying ear drums!

Another funny my friend shared - her children are 5 1/2 and 2 1/2. Her older daughter bit her son on the finger. Upon questioning WHY she would bite her brother, she piped up and said, "Because he wanted to feel PAIN, Mom!"

my 2 yo is smarter than I am

2007-12-04T12:35:00.000-06:00

Little toad that he is!!

S is all about snacks these days. He'd rather snack than eat a meal, which isn't something I have a whole lot of patience for (I HATE the grazers, hate hate hate them!!). So we've gone back to basics - meals at mealtimes, snacks in reasonable amounts at snack time.

This morning, he asked for several helpings of cereal. He gets diarrhea when he drinks milk, so I just give him dry cereal. And typical of a toddler, sometimes he will eat like he's starving... so I gave him several helpings.

While all this is occuring, I am getting the girls fed & ready for school, making lunches, trying to explain to another 2yo why I don't want him driving the little cars all over my wooden cabinets, and juggling a 7mo whiny baby. So I'm not paying TOO much attention to S unless he's demanding it.

Right after lunch (pizza), he asks for a snack. I tell him no, and remind him we JUST had lunch AND we'll have snack when the girls get home. He smiles ever so sweetly and says "OK, Mommy" as he buggers off to do whatever it is he does.

Shortly thereafter, I notice him munching on a handful of cereal. So I watch.

The little DEMON had taken his cereal from this morning and dumped it into the "trunk" of his tricycle.... creating his OWN freaking snack stash for later!!

I HATE it when they outsmart me!

defining moment in mothering

2007-12-04T12:26:00.000-06:00

Warning - serious ick factor ahead.

I have reached yet another turning point in my life. One where I realize that becoming a mom meant incredible changes in my life. Changes that go beyond what I call normal. Changes that amaze even me.

I vividly remember dh's cousing recanting a story when Hannah was tiny. He was laughing about changing diapers and how you get past worry about it, and get proficient enough to change a baby with one hand while eating a sandwich in the other.

I was reminded of that Sunday.

We'd decided to go to the mall and had gone through McDonald's drivethru for lunch in the car. A has slept all morning but was not running a fever and said she felt fine, so we chalked it up to just needing to catch up on her rest. She was happily sitting in the back seat, munching on her french fries, when I heard her make a funny noise.

I turned around to see her make the "I'm gonna puke" face just as she half threw-up in her mouth. My own hamburger in one hand, I grabbed the empty bag and reached backwards to shove it under her mouth, lest she puke all over the car.

She shoved it away and I held it back, telling her to go ahead and throw up but do it in the bag.... which she did.

I took a bite of my hamburger as she finished, cuz I was hungry!!

It wasn't until shortly thereafter that the absurdity of it all hit me. :) But I guess that's what being a mom is about - being able to see past the things that would have normally sent you running.. in there interest of self preservation, of course! :)

Tights

2007-11-27T22:02:00.001-06:00

The weather has finally turned cool enough to pull out tights for the girls.

IN the manner of all things 4 years old, A pulled hers on delightedly last week and loudly announced:

"MOM! TIGHTS ARE SOCKS YOU WEAR ON YOUR BUM!"

If she only knew how right she was.

Seven - Oh - Oh

2007-11-05T20:48:00.000-06:00

I hate the time change.

Even though I think it should work in my favor when we gain an hour, it STILL backfires. Like this morning, for example.

The clock projecting on my ceiling appears to say 5:40am. This is probably correct as I usually get up around 6:40am and I feel like I should be getting up. As I am lying in bed thinking I don't have to get up for another hour, I notice the door to the bathroom moving.

Odd, I think. R just got in the shower. I heard the door close and the water running.

Seconds later, I know why the door is moving when a certain little smiling face appears at the side of my bed and greets me with a happy "HI Mummy!".

I pull him into bed with me and he snuggles in, quite content. He's sprawled all over the top of me, but I can live with this as he is being QUIET and his breathing is slow and rhythmical... almost like he's gone back to sleep.

Moments later, I hear another voice.

"DADDY! Where's Mummy?"

I have to laugh at this one because Mummy is indeed still in bed, yet I hear Daddy say "I don't know, isn't she in bed?". Well yes, I am, but I am covered by a certain two year old.

H crawls into bed with us. So much for sleeping.

S wants to watch Diego and tells me so.

I tell him NO WAY and point to the time projected in blue on my ceiling. "You see those numbers? They need to say seven-oh-oh before we're watching Diego, dude."

Seconds later, his arm snakes out from under the covers and shoots to the ceiling. "SEVEN-OH-OH!!!", he yells triumphantly.

"No way. Five-five-two. It says FIVE-FIVE-TWO. That is NOT seven-oh-oh. Forget it. Go to sleep".

But alas, I stand corrected, for H quietly informed me it was now five-five-three. Of course. And that makes all the difference in the world!

On a lighter note.... S wanted to take a bath tonight. Daddy said they were all taking showers because it was faster, but S was insistent. He followed me in while I took out my contacts, so I ran a shallow bath for him. NATURALLY, because he's 26 months old and KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS, thank you very much, he asked for bubbles.

I obliged, pouring in ample amounts of Diego bubble bath.... which smells an awful lot like the Mane & Tail shampoo I use on the dogs. Huh. So do my dogs smell like little kids, or does my kid smell like a dog?

Full Moon on Monday

2007-10-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

So.

All weekend long, I looked for one of my double-pointed knitting needles. I only had 3 of the size 7's. I have extras of 6's and 8's, but only one set of 7's. And one was missing.

So today I had some errands to run with the girls. Figured I'd run into HobbyLobby and pick up another set of the needles so I could finish my project.

A was being obnoxious, but I knew she was just overtired. She was whining, which I hate, but we hurried and were at the checkout in less than 2 minutes. But this is HobLob, and they are NEVER fast at the checkouts, so there we stood.

A asked for a treat, "if I'm good!". I said no, reminding her she WASN'T being good and that she was whining. I then admired a small spider the lady in front of me had and turned my attention away.

And that's when it went bad.

A yells "LOOK AT MY BUM!!!" and I glance down to see exactly that.

Her bare-naked booty.

Exposed.

In HobbyLobby. With plenty of other customers standing by.

I yanked her pants back up, berating her for mooning the people in HobbyLobby. She rolled her eyes at me. ROLLED. HER. EYES. Like she's a teenager or something - and she's FOUR. FOUR YEARS OLD, and I not only get mooning, but attitude??

I managed to dig $10 out of my wallet and handed it to H, growling "PAY FOR THOSE, I AM TAKING YOUR SISTER OUTSIDE." H, of course, thought this was great. Her sister is in trouble AND Mommy is leaving her alone in the store to pay for something. (just for the record, we went just outside the door and she could see me the entire time as the checkouts are right there).

And I wonder why I drink.

Oh, and what did I find almost right after I walked in the door? Yep. The missing needle. In the stupid bag where it was supposed to be.

overheard this morning....

2007-10-19T08:39:00.001-05:00

Four year old A, as she is getting dressed:

Oh bring back
Bring back
Bring back my body to me, to me!

My body lies over the ocean
My body lies over the sea
My body lies under the ocean
So bring back my body to me!

I love kid versions of songs!

just in case you missed it....

2007-09-22T16:54:00.000-05:00

There's a special new baby..... go say hello to Natalie Rose!

Daycare Fun

2007-09-11T18:41:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this by saying I actually looked up synonyms for "humor" in an attempt to find a "d" word to make a catchy title. But somehow "Daycare Drollery" just loses something....

Anyways.... quick list of references:
dcm = daycare mom
dcd = daycare dad
dcb = daycare boy
dcbaby = daycare baby (bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?)

Without further ado, today's tale of terror:

My dcps are obsessed with bodily functions... they always want to know if dcbaby has pooped, tell me about his pooping, and "help" him poop by giving him copious amounts of prune juice (or Miralax to the older one). So I suppose this should be no surprise, but it sitll left me shaking my head (in disgust).

Yesterday, dcm comes to pick up. DCB's nose had been crusty, and I'd cleaned it up.... or so I thought. I try and make sure there's nothing there cuz dcm has a nasty habit of picking it FOR him.

Sure enough, she inspects his nostrils and finds a booger. And her finger comes out and digs in. DCB whines in protest and tries to get away, but there's really nowhere for him to go as she's holding him.
I roll my eyes in disgust.

She comments that he's got a booger "right there".

I tell her I wiped his crusties off just a few minutes ago with a wet cloth, and I'm sorry I missed it. And I truely am, as I can't imagine a toddler having an adult finger stuck up his nose is all that pleasant.

Oh, and did I mention that this is straight skin-on-skin action? No wipe or tissue, or anything like that?

So she goes at it again. I can't stand this, and tell dcb to tell his mom to put her fingers up her own nose if she needs to pick something.

DCM laughs and says she doesn't know why she does that. That makes two of us.

Then she can't stand it and goes in for the kill. The finger is out.... it's in... she's digging.... and she comes out with the prize.

That she proudly shows to me, with an "AHA! Got it! And it's a big one!" as she presents her outstretched finger, booger firmly stuck to it.

She then shows it to dcb, who is unimpressed. Actually, I think he's just happy to not have that enormous finger rooting around in his small little nostril.

DCM flicks the booger out the front door.

Does she wash her hands?

No.

Of course not.

Moral of this story - always make sure dcb's nose is completely booger free at pickup. And don't shake hands with dcm.... or dcd for that matter, as he was the one who came in one morning telling me he'd changed a poopy diaper and thought he had poop on his hands.

Sink? Water? Soap? Anyone??

And yet, these are the reasons I enjoy doing daycare. To laugh. :)

Only in OK

2007-08-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

So I'm driving along this morning, taking A to school. While we live in a more rural area, it's certainly well populated with the usual subdivisions, homes, WalMart, and Target. The roads are normal roads that stretch alongside homes. You know, like pretty much everywhere.

So imagine my surprise as I drive down one and see something moving in the bushes off to my left... and out of the bushes pop 3 freaking bison! The first was pretty big, looked at me calmly (yeah, I hit the brakes and said "OMG! Kids look - buffaloes!"), and walked on past. The other two followed along. Nobody appeared concerned.

I briefly wondered about backing up and letting the kids have another look - after all, when was the last time you had a bison stare into your vehicle? - then thought perhaps I should go ring some doorbells and find out where they belonged.

However, true to OK, the next driveway held a llama and a donkey.... and the apparent owners of the bison.

I assume they rounded them all up safely as I saw no wrecks, dead buffalo, or people running around on our return trip.

And here I thought people watching at WalMart was fun. ;)

Once upon a time

2007-08-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I had a "real" job. One where I actually had to shave my legs more often than when a small hand stroked one and said "ooooh.... soft, like the puppy!". One where it mattered what I was wearing. One where I spoke to other adults on a regular basis and actually ate my OWN lunch every day.

Then I had children.

And started doing daycare.

And my adult conversations these days consists mostly of discussing poop. And listening to grown people speaking to kids like... well... children. Ridiculously small children with squeaky voices.

But seriously, who tells you about all the glamorous aspects of parenthood? Nobody ever warned me back when we contemplated having a child about poop. Or how corn still looks like corn when it comes out the back end.

Or how my 2 year old son (Happy Birthday, S!) would find it hilariously funny to pretend to pick a booger out of his elephant's nose and then hand it to me saying "Eat it, Momma!" as he falls over laughing at his joke.

Last week, I had the dubiously joyful task of taking the girls to their schools to drop off school supplies. At A's class (K4), the boys stampeded in noisily, found places to sit, and amused themselves with the various toys in the classroom. The baby slept peacefully in his carseat, tucked out of the way in a corner. H visited with her (old) teacher while A and I checked out the classroom.

That afternoon, we headed to the gradeschool for H's class. Someone - obviously not the parent of a toddler - had scheduled supply drop off from 2-3pm. Right smack dab in the middle of naptime. Who are they kidding? I heard many parents griping about it too as they walked in with younger siblings slung on shoulders, fast asleep.

Not my group.

In we walked. Five walking, one awake and wailing in the stroller. The minute we hit the classroom, small bodies went everywhere. I tried rounding children up. I tried asking them to come and stand quietly by me. And when all else failed, I reverted to what the dog trainer taught us - I barked a command at them.

"SIT!" I ordered. "Right here, by the stroller, and NOBODY moves or else."

Four bottoms dropped to the floor. H continued to speak to her teacher, who was grinning at me. One little voice piped up from my feet and asked if they could look at the books behind them. I agreed. And they all behaved like perfect little children.

The next day, I dropped girls at school and took my remaining quartet of boys to Linens N Things to buy muffin pans. I darn near told them all to heel, but thought better of it and told them all "Right with me, hands to yourselves, no touching ANYTHING".

The saleslady remarked on what lovely, well behaved boys I had. If she only knew.... :)

IMPOTENT POWER!!!

2007-08-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

I love this kid. She's forever cracking me up with the way she says things. Like her "empty3 player" instead of MP3 player.

Today was classic.

I picked the girls up from gymnastics. They were doing their usual "I'm better than you are" back & forth over running speed.

H says she has 10 times power.

A says she has 100 times power.

H says she has 1000 times power.

A says she has 2000 times power.

H says she has 300,000 times power.

At this point, I'm helping A do up her seatbelt, so I whisper to her, "Tell her you have infinite power!!".

A gleefully announces at the top of her little lungs,

"I HAVE IMPOTENT POWER!!!!"

When I quit laughing, I did correct her. I didn't explain though. :)

MOM magnet, hard at work

2007-08-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

A fine example of just how powerful the pull of the MOM magnet really is.

Friday afternoon, I just wanted some time to myself. Alone. With no children. Or adults. Or even animals, for that matter. Had a glass of wine and was chatting to a friend through MSN.

We have a house. A big house. With plenty of rooms, televisions, surfaces to sit or lie on, and even other computers. Spread throughout the house. Lots of room for five people, three dogs, and three cats to be apart from each other.

So why did I suddenly have four other people and three dogs in this room with me?

Right. The MOM magnet and its irrestistable freaky force of nature.

I finally had enough, shut the laptop, picked it and my glass of wine up, and stalked outside. Turned on the fan to blow off some of the 95F temp and 8000% humidity, sat down and opened up the laptop again.

BANG!!

The screen door blew open and out came child #3.

BOOM!!

The door flew open again, and child #2 came out, accompanied by dogs 2 & 3.

Cat #3 meowed piteously at the now-open door.

Not five minutes later, dh came out, followed by child 1. Oh, and dog 1. And cat 3 managed to sneak out at some point aas well, winding his sleek body around my ankles.

The force I exude amazes me. At this point, I surrendered, checked our mystery plant, discovered a fruit ripe for picking, and asked mb if cantaloupe went well with wine.

She assured me it did, and she was right. Went so well, in fact, I was forced to drink the remaining white wine. :)

"I want a diarrhea!!!"

2007-07-21T18:41:00.000-05:00

I love kids.

I really do.

Especially when they make me laugh so hard I cry.

And even more when I see other people trying not to laugh.

We went for our customary Saturday lunch at McDonald's. They have Hello Kitty toys right now. On a previous trip, H had gotten a diary as her Happy Meal toy. She loved it.

So today when Daddy came back with the toys, A could not wait to see what one she had gotten. Mostly cuz she specifically requested the diary on the way in. Apparently Daddy didn't hear that though, and requested two of the "Hello Kitty heads" that H had asked for (mirrored compact with strawberry lipslogg).

Upon seeing that the toy was the Hello kitty head, A pushed out her bottom lip and exclaimed, "BUT I WANTED DIARRHEA!!!".

I couldn't help it. I laughed. R laughed. I had to wipe tears off while I told A that Daddywould exchange it. She loudly exclainmed "But I want diarrhea!!" again, bringing shudders to me as I tried to control my laughter.

And then I noticed the older people sitting near us. Politely trying to pretend they hadn't heard what she said, but not being so good at it. Snickering into closed fists and looking away to laugh. Smiling those "I love it, not my kid!" smiles.

As A and her Daddy walked awya to exchange it, one lady gave me the biggest smile.

"How old is she?" she asked.

"Four," I replied.

"Such a great age," she said as she laughed. "So cute. And that made my day."

Oh boy. If she only knew what her smile did for mine.

Dat shit.

2007-07-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

**from June 21st.....**

This afternoon, I was changing the baby's diaper. This, of course, is an event that involves every single child standing there, watching and commenting.

They were making typical comments like "C pooped!" or "C is stinky! Eeew!" and then laughing. And they were right - he had pooped, and he was stinky.

So you can imagine how proud I was (not!) when S (22mos) walked up, looked at me wiping up poop, and calmly informed all of us "Dat shit".

My poor mother had to go outside because she about killed herself trying to to laugh.

So there's this little old lady......

2007-07-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

I took the girls to gymnastics Friday morning. As I'm coming home, I need to make a right turn at a stoplight. Already at the light - stopped - is a little old lady in a typical little old lady boat.

I can tell she's ancient - I mean, I can see this huge ginormous floppy old lady hat peeking over the edge of the driver's seat.

The light in our direction turns from red to green. She doesn't move (her blinker is indicating she wants to turn right also, her car is already slightly turned that way, and she's watching traffic to the left).

She still doesn't move.

I tap my horn politely after a few secs to let her know the light is green. Meanwhile, traffic coming at us from the left side is all stopped at the light, and the oncoming traffic across from us is now turning left cuz she's not going anywhere.

I tap my horn again - politely - to get her to wake up. I'm thinking maybe she's had a massive coronary or something and is dead cuz it's OBVIOUS the light is only red in the other direction.

Still she doesn't move.

So I give the horn a good ole HONK and mutter a few curse words under my breath.

She finally turns.

The boys all cheer from behind me.

I turn.

And move into the left lane, cuz I need to turn left now. As I pass her, she honks at me.

I find this wildly amusing for some strange reason. I don't think she was being polite either when she honked.

She honks again, much more insistently.

I slow down waiting to turn and she pulls up alongside me.She's about 90000 years old and can barely see over the steering wheel. The floppy hat makes me wonder if she can see at all (and probably explains why she didn't know the light was green).

She pushes her hat up slightly.

And freaking flips me the bird.

What is the green stuff leaking from my butt??

2007-05-03T16:08:00.000-05:00

The other day, I forgot a pen in my jeans pocket and threw it in the laundry. Normally I check all pockets, but that damn Murphy's Law never fails to amaze me. So when I'm pulling laundry out, there are big black inkstains on my underwear.

Now the underwear is plain old boring white cotton stuff (OMG, I'm turning into my mother), so I throw it all in the wash again on hot with plenty of bleach. Good to go. R ends up being the one to dry it and put it away, and I promptly forget about it.

So on Tuesday, I get dressed and get on with life. And inevitably, I need to go to the bathroom sometime after that, so I go.

And wonder just what the green stuff leaking out of my butt and all over the underwear could possibly be???

I have a slight momentary freak out while I consider all the possibilities. I'm really an alien and this is af. My apparent sinus infection has morphed itself to my nether regions. I'm OBVIOUSLY suffering from a serious brain infection and THIS is how it's showing itself!

Yeah, the last one is the most likely scenario FOR SURE!

And then it dawns on me. The pen. Black ink. And bleach that apparently only turned black ink green and didn't take it out.

Genius. What can I say? Simply genius.

Too much McDonald's.....

2007-05-02T09:16:00.000-05:00

Every Thursday, I take all the children to McDonald's for lunch. Hamburger Happy Meals are $1.29 - how can I not??

Sometimes we go in and play, but usually we just hit Drive Thru and bring it home to eat. But I realized something the other day while listening to the children play. And it made me laugh.

R, my 3yo daycare boy, and L, my 2.5yo daycare girl, were playing "McDonald's" together. This consists of R sitting behind the play kitchen taking "orders", and L "driving" up to place her order.

She pulls up to the "window". R says to her "Whatchoo want?".

L says "A happy meal...... with APPLE JUICE!!! for a GIRL!"

There's a very pregnant pause.... and she adds "YAH, and a DIET COKE!"

I suppose it's not funny if you've never been in the van with me, but she seriously nailed how I order. Cuz I always order the exact same thing each week - 7 happy meals, all with apple juice, 4 for girls, 3 for boys..... and a diet Coke for myself. And she obviously pays attention.

R pays attention to, apparently. Because yesterday when they were driving cars all over, and S cut him off, he jumped up and yelled "YOU F***ING A$$!" at him. Now I KNOW I shouldn't laugh, and I did correct him, but sheesh, it is too darn funny to hear a 3yo yelling that IN CONTEXT.

His mom says daddy likes to use colorful language while driving. No kidding. :)

Thinking outside the box

2007-03-19T07:06:00.000-05:00

My parents are in town over Spring Break. Yesterday, H asks Grandma to please read her a story... from the Sunday funnies.

So Grandma reads her The Family Circus. One of the kids asks mom if they can have some peanuts - mom says just one handful - the kid asks dad if he can borrow dad's hand. Of course, H is just 6 years old and doesn't necessarily get the humor, so Grandma tries to explain it to her.

She and H compare their hands. Grandma says to H, "Now which handful would you rather have?".

H points to her own hand and says, "This one!".

I can't help but laugh. Grandma asks why she would rather have that hand.

"Well," says H. "After I get my handful there won't be any left for your handful!"

Of course not.

Boy Genius... apparently

2007-03-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

S is 18 months old. At his 18mo checkup, the pediatrician asked if he was putting two words together yet.

"Not really," I told her. "I mean, he's said Bye Mommy, but he's repeating, not doing it of his own accord".

She wasn't concerned. And neither was I.

However, a week and a half later, I am pleased to announce that the S-man is indeed putting two words together.

What two words, you ask?

"Big" and "boobie".

His father is so proud. His mother is thinking it's time to wean!

not exactly what I had in mind

2007-02-19T14:02:00.000-06:00

Way back when I decided to breastfeed H - and subsequent children - this is NOT what I had in mind.

I agree with the motto "It takes a village to raise a child".

And I also believe that you need the support of those around you in order to successfully nurse your child.

But tell me.... do I really need all three kids AND two of the cats in bed with me while S nurses? And do I need him sitting crosslegged beside me while I'm flat on my back, cuz he wants to be able to see his sisters sitting beside him? And do I need one child snuggled on one side asking questions about HER boobies while the other one lifts up her shirt to inspect her nipples?

Do I really need to cat attacking my foot every time I try to shift to get more comfortable? And his brother then attacking HIM for moving and disturbing his precious feline space?

Do I need to explain to a little boy that no, mommy's nipples weren't 6" long to begin with, and turning your head with a nipple in your mouth because your sisters are jumping up and downmaking mommy go "oof" and in turn making you laugh is NOT conducive to a good nursing relationship?

And I'll tell you what - it didn't help any when my dearly beloved stood at the end of the bed and asked how the heck I was still able to read with all of that going on.

Duh. I'm a mom. How else?

No more poop jokes!

2007-02-09T08:21:00.000-06:00

We've been getting on to the girls lately about the poop jokes. Their answer to everything is "Poop!" and they laugh like crazy, and it's getting old fast.

So this morning, S gets up and I change his diaper... which is poopy. I'm talking to him, telling him "Say POOP! Poop! Poop!" and he's laughing.

I should have known better.

Mere seconds later, 31 lbs of tyrannical fury appears in the doorway, wild hair flying everywhere, and announces,

"NO MORE POOP JOKES, MOM!!"

I should have known better.

At least she didn't eat it.

2007-02-06T18:03:00.000-06:00

H asked me to come upstairs and help her get the pc running again. When I sat down, I glanced at the wall directly beside me, mere inches from my face.

Plastered to the wall right at eye level were several large, dried boogers. Nothing like gross to start off the day.

So when I asked H why on earth she wiped her boogers on the wall, she shrugged and gave the infamous "I dunno!" answer. I wasn't exactly thrilled, so I made her clean them off.

She had a few issues with that. Said she couldn't get all the boogers off, so I told her to keep working at it.

Maybe now she'll take me seriously when I tell her to go in the bathroom and use a kleenex... and to wash her hands afterwards.

Apparently, I'm getting old.

2007-01-30T10:13:00.000-06:00

No, it wasn't the slowly appearing wrinkles that gave it away. Or the kids saying "Wow, Mommy, you're really old!!"

It was last night in WalMart, when I found myself perusing the dish gloves to actually USE for washing dishes.

I used to laugh at my mom for wearing those pretty yellow Playtex gloves. Matter of fact, I laughed at her less than a year ago when she bought 2 pair to use here.

Yet last week, I found myself scrounging under the sink, looking for her gloves. Which, I might add, were a little on the snug side.

So I took the plunge. And bought a pretty pink pair of Playtex "Living" gloves. $1.94, plus tax.

And my hands haven't been happier.

breaking up is hard to do

2007-01-17T19:07:00.000-06:00

But I think that's what I need to do. I've started another blog over here where I plan to share some of the hobbies and such I enjoy! Come on over and check out a cake!

Are we in Japan?

2007-01-03T21:45:00.000-06:00

On New Year's Eve, my mom and I took the children to the beach so I could take some photos. We parked a little ways down from the train station and decided to walk up to the pier and out along it.

As we got close to the pier, there were tons of people coming off it and walking along the seawall. I stopped to take pictures of the boats and the pier, and pointed out to H that she was looking at the Pacific Ocean.

She nodded solemnly and looked around her before asking, "Are we in Japan?".

I had NO idea what she was talking about and started to tell her no when my mom answered, "No, but I can see why you might think that".

Literally every person around us was Asian. It was as if a tour bus had stopped and let them all off. And I guess Miss H figured that Asian people and the Pacific Ocean meant we were in Japan.

This kid really does scare me sometimes.

That reminds me.... earlier in the week, we walked to a playground/park not far from my mom's house. There was a climbing structure made from tensioned ropes that resembled the Eiffel Tower.

H paused, looked at it, and exclaimed, "That's the tower in France!".

How does she KNOW these things?

According to her, "Boo" tells her.

I hope Boo is around when she takes her SATs! ;)

The honesty of a child.....

2006-12-27T11:18:00.000-06:00

We had the opportunity last week to see the Body Worlds 3 exhibit last week. It was pretty incredible, most definitely worth going to see, IMO.

When we got to Science World and went to pay our admission, an employee took one look at the children and informed me they absolutely should not see it. I had already gone online and read the FAQ and decided to take them. We didn't tell them up front that these were cadavers, but rather, chose to take the "just answer what is asked" questions. Both the girls are interested in their bodies and what is happening INSIDE, so I thought this would be a perfect display for them to see.

Once we entered the exhibit, we checked out some bones, complete with cross-sections, ligaments, and musculature. It was AMAZING, and the girls seemed intrigued by it all, especially when I showed them what part of THEIR body we were looking at.

Moving along to an actual human body, I held my breath a little as I waited for comments from the girls. None were to be had, short of "wow". So we moved on.

The next exhibit was a man standing, holding his entire skin in one hand. A seemed particularly interested in this one and moved right up to the glass for a better look. I wondered briefly what she was thinking as she stared intently. I didn't wonder too long.

She stared intently and then piped up with "That's his penis hanging down!" before she walked away.

I love that kid.

I wish I could stay home and play all day....

2006-12-13T13:45:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if parents know what their daycare providers really do in a day. All too often, I hear "Gee, I sure wish I could just play with the kids all day" when a child is dropped off.

If only they knew.

Today, for example. H won "Citizen of the Month" at school, which meant she got to go have pizza with the principal. So I had to take her to school early, at a time when C (my daycare boy) is normally dropped off by the bus at our house. To make things easy on everyone, I spoke to both his mom and dad AND send home a written note asking them to let the school and transportation know I would pick him up today. NO PROBLEM, they both told me.

I passed no bus on the way to school. There was no bus at the school either, so I figured we were in the clear.

So silly of me.

He wasn't outside, so I assumed he was waiting in the office. H asked me to walk her in, and I said sure. Problem #1 - I forgot to swap our single stroller out for the double stroller. That's okay, I'll put S in, carry B, and A, R, & L can all walk with H.

We do great... right up to the front door, where I set B down to open the door and he immediately collapsed into a little crumpled heap and begins bawling piteously.

R meanwhile takes one look at the school and literally freaks out, shrieking "NO NO NO" and slamming on the brakes.

I manage to wrangle everyone inside the door, where H spies the other kindy teacher and tells me bye as she takes off. A is convinced she too is having lunch with the principal, so she and L follow along behind H. I'm calling them back while trying to fight with a stroller that doesn't want to go, carrying a snotty 21mo child and more or less dragging the dead weight 2.5yo.

The girls come back and we head to the office. No C. So I tell the secretary I'm here to pick him up and I'm not sure where he is.

She asks if they know I'm coming for him. They should, I tell her. I told both his parents yesterday AND sent a written note home, and thy were supposed to call the school and transportation.

But naturally they didn't, and C is now on the bus and headed to my house.

The secretary gives ME hell and tells me his parents need to call and let them know. I nicely tell her (AGAIN) they were supposed to, and apologize. She calls the bus and says she's waiting for a call back.

So I get the brilliant idea to take 5 kids down to the kindergarten rooms to pick an angel off their angel tree of classroom wishes. Smart. Bloody brilliant, as a matter of fact.

I love hearing second graders saying "OH WOW, did you see her? She's got FIVE KIDS!".

"Seven," I told them. "I've got two in kindergarten."

Down at the angel tree, A is still freaking out about wanting to stay at school, so I let her choose the angel and carry it out. Except because she's 3, and 3yo's believe in laws of physics unknown to any other humans, she wants to stick the angel on her shirt. And when she keeps dropping it in the hallway, she flips out. Oh yeah, she's dragging her (empty) rolling Dora backpack along behind her, but putting the angel in there isn't good enough.

We make it back to the offive and I'm only missing two chunks of hair. R is still freaking out big time. L is being a gem and admiring all the pretty Christmas decorations in her squeaky 2yo voice. B is wiping his disgusting ropes of snot on the leg of my jeans and crying pitifully. S is sitting in the stroller, happy as can be, shrieking "HI!" in his big happy voice to anyone who will look at him. A is flipping out about the angel.

The secretary tells me the bus is turning around and bringing him back, and then chastises me again for them not calling. Whatever. I told the parents. Give THEM hell, not me.

The counsellor materializes out of nowhere and asks if she can help. This angel produces a safety pin that we use to pin the angel on A's shirt. I could have kissed the woman then and there!!

Managed to get everyone back out to the van and fastened into carseats before the bus arrives. When it did, I hopped out and ran over to apologize to the driver.

"No worries!", she tells me. "We had a great chat and I had to take someone to the 7th grade center anyways! Have a great day!"

Back home, it's another round of 4 diaper changes, followed by making sure everyone washed their hands WITH soap and water and getting lunch prepared, only to be told "I don't LIKE mac & cheese" or something else. Clean everyone up, put everyone down for naps, and survey my now totally trashed kitchen.

And silently curse the parents who say they wish they could stay home and play all day, yet can't remember to call the school and transportation.

Really though, I love my job. Well... I don't love the poopy diapers. But I love things like having my special needs kid come flying up with his folder to show me he had a Good Behavior Day and he learned to write his name!! Or having the stinker 2.5yo who has FINALLY decided to talk (and now never shuts up) saying "Hey K, Hey K!" all day and LAUGHING like a maniac when I say "Hey R!" right back to him. Or listening to the giggles from the backseat as B finally starts to come out of his shell a little bit and make new friends.

There's something about snow...

2006-12-03T14:34:00.000-06:00

that makes kids go crazy. I'm not really sure what it is.

Despite living in a place that generally has ice storms followed by a dusting of snow, followed by warming back up, we were graced with an ice storm that preceded blizzard warnings. In the morning, there was a foot of snow on the ground and two most delighted little girls in the now-toasty kitchen.

They wanted to go outside NOW. Nevermind that it was 7F. Forget the fact that they really don't have proper snow clothes. They wanted out.

So I managed to deter them the better part of the morning while temps rose to near freezing, then gave in and bundled them up. We dug out the sled and headed up to the neighbor's (who had invited us for chili and hotdogs!), armed with a plate of freshly baked brownies. And the Canadian blood in my children truely came out - H was whizzing down the hill on the sled in no time! A, however, preferred her bottom, despite not having on waterproof pants.

Did you ever watch "A Christmas Story"? Remember the scene where the little boy in the snowsuit falls over and can't get up? That was poor A... and being the terrific mother I am, I couldn't stop laughing long enough to walk back DOWN the hill and pick her up.

I did, however, snap a picture. Which I may post later on.

Today, however, the girls are back at the neighbor's with their father, sliding with their little friend. S and I are home in the toasty warm kitchen. I've got a pan of brownies in the oven and they are just starting to smell divine. Christmas presents are wrapped and under the tree (as is the stupid cat, who believes it is wrong to lie ON the tree skirt and feels he must be under it at all times!).

I don't think it could get much better than this.

conversations overheard....

2006-11-17T08:39:00.000-06:00

H - Daddy, daddy, what are you doing?
A - I'm getting the waaaaater!
R - I'm feeding the guinea pigs, H. I don't know what YOU are doing.
A - *giggles*
R - A, quit sucking the water out of the bottle. That's for the guinea pigs
A - Pigs? What pigs?
R - The GUINEA PIGS!
H - You know, the little furry things?
A - Oooooh! I GET IT!

Much laughter ensues.

Sometimes I wonder just what is - or isn't - going through their little heads.

McStupid

2006-10-27T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Thursday. $1.29 Hamburger Happy Meal day.

Due to a rather long story I'm not telling right now, I had to pick C up from school early. By the time we left the school, it was 10:20am. Early for lunch, yes, but I wasn't driving back again later.

So I go to McDonald's. It's 10:25am when I get to the drivethru order board and place my order.

"I need 6 hamburger happy meals, all with apple juice, 4 for boys and 2 for girls. I also need a #7 meal with a grilled chicken, and a side salad instead of the fries, with lite vinaigrette dressing, and a large diet coke please"

And I say this nice and slowly and clearly, cuz I know how drive thru is.

She repeats it back and asks what drinks I want. We finally get it straightened out and she gives me the total.

$20.33

I ask, "Ummm.... aren't the Happy Meals $1.29 on Thursdays anymore?"

She tells me "Not until 10:30am".

I look at the clock. 10:27am. She's got to be f-ing KIDDING me, right? They want to charge me TWICE as much because of THREE MINUTES?

Now, because I had small children in the car who do not need to hear what I really wanted to say, I simply said, "Ohhhhkay. I guess I'll come back in THREE MINUTES then, and do this all again."

And I drove off.

And around the building.

And got back into line.

And waited at the order board until 10:30am, when I said, "Are the Happy Meals $1.29 NOW?"

And she said, "Yes ma'am, they are."

So I started over.

"I'd like six hamburger Happy Meals, all with apple juice, four for boys and two for girls. I'd also like a #7 combo with a grilled chicken, a side salad instead of the fries, with lite vinaigrette dressing, and a large diet Coke."

She said, "Was that a large diet Coke?"

I said, "YES DAMMIT, DIDN'T WE JUST DO THIS THREE MINUTES AGO???".

OK, not really. Truth is, I said "Yes, a large diet Coke, please!"

She totalled my order. "That's $12.18 at the first window please!"

I got to the first window and paid.

I got to the second window and GLARED at the swing manager who was taking drive thru orders. The one who made me wait three minutes and then go through the whole rigamarole again.

So they PARKED ME and made me wait another five minutes for my food. I wanted to ask if they didn't know I was coming or what. But I didn't. And only because I didn't think I could do it without teaching six small kids a whole host of new naughty words they are better off not ever hearing.

The sad part?

We'll go back, next Thursday.

Not until after 10:30am though, of course.

Conversations with two year olds

2006-10-25T09:50:00.000-05:00

L: Got a boo boo here!
Me: Oh yeah? Lemme see.
L: And here.... and here.... and HERE!
Me: Did you fall down?
L: Mommy did it! You see her boo boo?
Me: Nooooo....
L: Farley did it. Champ did it. Kota did it. (her dogs) **giggles**
Me: Did you fall down?
L: Yeah, I fall down. See my boo boo?

It's like being stuck in drive in a traffic circle, I tell ya!

R: Daddy sleep.
Me: Daddy sleeps? Does Daddy sleep in his bed?
R: No, Daddy sleep garage!
Me: Daddy sleeps in the garage?
R: Yeah! And Mommy!
Me: Mommy AND Daddy sleep in the garage?
R: Yeah! **claps wildly**
Me: And where does R sleep? Do you sleep in the garage too?
R: NO! You silly. R sleep in R room!

Now when I recanted this conversation to his mom, she laughed and asked him to tell me where he REALLY sleeps... cuz she says more often than not, he wants to get into bed with them... which is most certainly NOT in the garage!

Moving right along to 5yo H, from yesterday on the way to school:
H: Mom, if there's 22 songs, and it's on song 5, then there are 17 songs left.
Me: Right, H, how do you know these things?
H: It's just in my head and tells me the answer.
Me: All righty then.
H: It's cuz I'm naturally smart.
Me: (muttering) yeah, naturally smart mouthed, that's for sure...
H: I must take after you, huh mom?
Me: Something like that.
H: Except I'm smarter than you, ya know.
Me: I'm figuring that out.

And come to think of it, she's probably right. But this is a good thing... isn't it? :)

Taking his life in his hands

2006-10-23T19:47:00.000-05:00

Mondays is Weight Watchers day. Which means I eat as little as possible during the day until I go to weigh in at the meeting. After all, if I put it in my mouth, they'll just weigh it later on, right?

I usually get through the day by bribing myself with a treat of some sort. Today's reward? One half of the chocolate iced vanilla skeleton cupcake that I made yesterday. I wanted to try a new recipe, so I baked a dozen. They were good. Really good. And they taunted me ALL DAY. So when the kids asked if they could have cupcakes for snack this afternoon, I readily agreed.

Everyone had one except S, who only got one half of one. And the other half sat there taunting me. I couldn't wait for the meeting so I could come home and eat it.

Enter R. Who spied my half cupcake sitting there and began to cram it in his mouth.

Unfortunately for him, I walked in just then and caught him.

"You better not be eating my half a cupcake!" I told him.

He looked at me guiltily (is that even a word?), uttering some nonsense about not seeing my name on it.

My name? MY NAME? It's freaking WEIGHT WATCHERS DAY, and he wants to argue about my NAME on a cupcake? Seriously folks, that's like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. Cuz I'm HUNGRY, dammit, and you're eating my cupcake.

So I ended up with exactly one half bite of cupcake, but do you think I'm going to share the "Weight Watchers GIANT Cookie Ice Cream Bars" with him? NO way!!

Bragging Momma Ahead

2006-10-14T19:55:00.000-05:00

See this face? It will soon be gracing the walls of 81 WalMart Portrait Studios across the US and Canada.

The lady who does our photos (and has done them since H was a baby) asked if she could enter this in their marketing contest. She's used photos of the kids before, so I said sure.... and she called yesterday absolutely beside herself to tell me her photo won!!

I am thrilled to death - mostly for her, she's always done such a great job for us - but also because I think it will be kinda fun to see him up there in 16x20. Hopefully the WalMart close to us will be one of the ones who uses his photo, but time will tell, I'm sure!

S, however, seems rather unenthused by the whole thing.... go figure!

In other news, I have plenty of funny stuff to share but no time to sit down and do it. And this week's not looking too promising as it's Fall Break and I have not only my new high-maintenance daycare kid but also a former daycare kid I like to refer to as Demonspawn. So perhaps in the near future I will have a moment to get back to life as a blogger, and share some of the finer moments in my life with you all... such as the never-ending stream of knock knock jokes I hear these days... **sigh**

Mom has boobs and Dad doesn't need hair

2006-10-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

Overheard in the kitchen the other day:

"Mom has boobs. And you don't need to draw hair on Daddy".

I wondered (briefly) if I should be concerned. I mean, sure, I have boobs, but Daddy most certainly had hair. Grandpa is the one who grew taller than his hairline, not Daddy!!

But I sure did enjoy the family pictures the girls drew. After all, I appear to be about 7 feet tall and weigh nothing. I have no hips... I'm just a stick figure... with enormous boobs.

Looking at it in hindsight though, I guess it's better than when H drew the pic of S crying because he was hungry and I had no boobs!

B.E.E.R.

2006-09-24T18:15:00.000-05:00

About two weeks ago, I did something insane.

I took four children ages 3 and under grocery shopping.

Alone.

And they were remarkably well behaved. I'm always so proud of them when I take them all out in public at one time and people comment on how good they all are. I often get asked if they are all mine (no), if I run a daycare (yes), or if I'm just nuts (debatable, but probably yes). People often want to know if R & L are twins (no, they aren't related at all).

Anyways, on this particular Wednesday, we dropped H off at school and headed to our slap-happy Super WalMart to get groceries. I was a bit concerned, but I managed to snag a cart with the big blue double seater thing on it, sat R & L (both 2) in there, plopped S in the cart seat, and had A walk along with me. Did the pharmacy stuff (shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc), and headed back to get beer.

Back in the "snack" section, I perused the malt beverages, quickly trying to figure out which to fill our new garage fridge ($40!) with. As I stood there, A started to sing something quietly.

And then R started in.

Before I knew it, I had a 2yo and a 3yo singing about beer and laughing hysterically. And my 1yo and other 2yo were cracking up right along with them.

I had visions of my licensing rep arriving just then to ask what I was doing, whether I was teaching the children all about beer or what. I silently thanked my lucky stars for not having anything identifying myself as a daycare as well.

I decided AGAINST buying beer at that time, given the way the kids were singing about it.... something about contributing to the delinquency of a minor, after all. Instead, we went off to find the peanut butter.... ;)

I wonder if I should be concerned.....

2006-09-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

A (3.5yrs) just came hopping down the stairs and asked, "Do you wanna know what's in my lunchbox?".

"Sure" I said, somewhat foolishly. After all, I should know better by now.

So what does she tell me?

"BOOBIES!"

And laughs the fiendish laugh only A can laugh. She is a total cutie, but an absolute stinker with a demonic streak in her.

She carries on. "You want to see what's in my lunchbox?".

Naturally, my curiosity has been piqued. I mean, she insisted on packing HER snack when we packed H's this morning, and I know what was in there then. Two chocolate chip cookies and a small package of fruit gummies.

She opens her ladybug pack, rips out two FRUITIES and sticks them on her shirt, right where her nipples are.

"SEE MOM? BOOBIES!"

And she laughs that crazy woman laugh again that makes me wonder if this child is sane. But I digress. I know she's not. :) And I love her even more for it.

Why girls should not wear dresses

2006-08-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Or perhaps I should call this "Thinking Outside the Box".

H came home from school to today with a "ME Flower". They are doing "Getting to Know You" in kindergarten this week. The ME Flower was a flower with several petals on it, and they were to color petal 1 with the color of their shirt, petal 2 with the color of their pants, petal 3 with the color of their eyes, and so forth.

H wore a red & white striped dress to school today. No shirt. No pants.

So upon looking at her colored flower, I asked her how she chose the colors for her flower.

Petal 1 - the shirt - was colored red. She said she just chose red and didn't want to do red & white stripes.

Fair enough.

Petal 2 - the pants - was colored pink. I hesitated momentarily, then asked why she chose pink.

My darling daughter yanked up her dress and SHOWED me why she chose pink.

"CUZ MY PANTIES ARE PINK, MOM, WHY DO YOU THINK?"

Well of course. How could I be so dense? :)

Having your cake.....

2006-08-27T16:53:00.000-05:00

So the little guy turned one yesterday. ONE. How on earth did that happen? Has it really been an entire year since he was born?

We did a frog-themed birthday, or as much of a frog theme as you can do when nobody DOES frog birthday stuff! I made his cakes - the left is his smash cake, which he pretty much only licked the icing off of. The right is his "big" cake. The frog is a yellow pound cake; the pond is chocolate with vanilla filling. Delicious, if I do say so myself. I only had a few headaches with these cakes - namely when the arms decided to fall off. I managed to handle it by building him some "armpits" out of fondant to support the arms better. R laughed at me when I freaked out and got him to come hold the arms in place while making repairs. He told me it was kinda like watching the cake shows on Food Network when the cakes start falling apart as they move them and they make hasty repairs.

I took that as a compliment. ;)

In other news.... the initial cake was vaguely reminiscent of my grade 10 Biology class. You see, we dissected frogs. And my first cake fell apart when I took the pan off. Splayed itself wide open... legs out to the side, even the head was split. The kids LOVED it.... all this extra cake to eat!! Fortunately, I've made enough cakes by now to know things like this are bound to happen, and I had plenty of time to rebake the cake. Part of the problem was I attempted to create my own pound cake recipe and it just didn't work, so I went back to the tried and true one I usually use for shaped cakes. Much better.

It's so strange to me to see little boy toys everywhere! I don't know why that is - you'd think after a year I'd be ready for it, but nope.

I love it though!

Things you shouldn't mutter under your breath

2006-08-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

We were late again last night. It was our anniversary and H had soccer practice. We just had takeout for dinner, but still, it was 9:30pm by the time the girls were going to bed.

I was cleaning out the guineapigs as R read H her bedtime story. On tap last night was her favorite book - "Why?". As I sat on the floor, R read "Why do cats eyes shine at night?".

I muttered under my breath, "Because someone shoved a flashlight up their ass" as I shoved Samson away from where he was trying to help me with the pigs.

R laughed.

H said, "What, Momma?".

I stupidly thought that was the end of it.

On the way to school today, H asks me, "Do cats have lights in their bums to make their eyes shine?".

I'll never learn.

(that is Blackberry, by the way. She's a little sweetie!)

So you think your house is babyproofed....

2006-08-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

I'm rethinking my career as a daycare provider. I'm thinking that instead I may go into helping people spot the places that need to be babyproofed in their home. I have a sure fire method. Mind you, it may be shortlived as S won't always be this inqusitive.... will he?

This morning's tale of terror begins with a stinky poopy diaper. This wasn't your ordinary stinky diaper either. The child has been on a 90% grapes diet lately. OK, not really, but the one thing he eats with gusto is grapes. So he's eaten a lot. And let's face it, they really help get the poop chute going. Ugh.

Shortly after cleaning his bum up and getting him dressed, I released him as I normally do and set about my morning routine - getting coffee, greeting my daycare kids, that kind of thing. I was having a snuggle with 3yo A when I heard S start to cry. Not a "I'm hurt" cry either - more his "OK, I'm done with this" kind of cry. So I figured he'd be coming along shortly from wherever he was.

His crying didn't stop, so I went to investigate.

Now I WOULD have a picture of what I found to insert here, but I figured I better be a good mom and pick up my crying child instead of running for the camera. HOWEVER.... last night, R didn't turn the shower sprayer off after bathing the girls. And this morning, S turned on the hot water and the cold water and then turned the shower sprayer outside of the tub.

So I was faced with a flooded bathroom and a dripping wet child who was clearly no longer having fun. :)

All I really have to say at this point is thank GOD for concrete floors and the Hoover Floormate. No damage to anyone, my floor needed to be washed anyways (although I was thinking SLIGHTLY less wet methods), and S WAS lovely and clean again. I say WAS because he just crawled into here and it smells like he's dropped another grape bomb in his diaper.

Nature vs nurture my ass. The girls were NEVER like this! :)

You know it's going to be a long day....

2006-08-21T07:55:00.000-05:00

I got up late. Jumped out of the shower, squinted at the clock, which I thought read 6:54am, and put my contacts in. As I did, I realized GMA had come on, which meant it was 7am or later.... and as I ran in complete nakedness for some underwear, I heard my first daycare kid at the front door.

S thought this was all very funny from his ringside seat.

My bra(s?) are all wet and in the wash. I forgot to hang them up last night. My shorts are filthy. I hear them knocking again. JEEZ, people, you like NEVER come before 7:05 these days - how did you know I was running late today? So I yank on a pair of fleece pajama bottoms (did I mention it's 80F already?) and throw on a t-shirt. I look simply ravishing. Hair unbrushed, braless.... definitely the clean, together look I strive for in the morning. **sigh**

But it gets better. I haul my braless, pajama clad self outside to start the sprinklers, completely forgetting that I mowed the yard yesterday. See, we don't have a bag on the riding mower, so the clippings are simply spread all over the yard. Not a good thing when the grass is dewey and you're wearing long pants... and have all the hoses hooked up to sprinklers! But I did manage to get sprinklers turned on without soaking myself, which is good. I did, however, turn my just-showered feet into something reminiscent of the Hulk..... but hey, the bottom of my jammies matched as well. Matter of fact, it appeared they had sprouted green hair. Fashion statement, perhaps?

Meanwhile, S has been loose in the house. In the approximately 8 seconds I was outside (ok, it was more like 3 minutes), he's managed to overturn my 54oz water cup, knock over the lamp, dump the container of breastpads on the floor, and get ahold of the TV remote. He was calmly sitting in front of the television in the living room with SIX channels playing on the TV. HOW THE HECK DID HE DO THAT? I know the install guy said it does picture in picture, but we've never been able to figure it out... yet my not-quite-1yo son does it? Insane... and further proof that you must be under age 10 to operate any kind of television device. ;)

He's soaked from the water. I stupidly picked him up, and now *I* am soaked from the water. Yet when he happily proclaims "Dad!", I can't help but laugh.

And did I mention we're out of coffee? **sigh**

Letting Go

2006-08-19T06:55:00.000-05:00

H started back to school on Thursday. It was bittersweet, watching her walk into the room of kindergarteners and hang up her backpack like an old pro. We did the K4 program last year, so she was secure in going and I was pretty cool with her being there. H tolerated me taking pictures, but pretty much dismissed me once she got there, so I took a few pictures and left.

I felt pretty smug - after all, I saw other moms who were hanging around, not wanting to leave their babies. I saw children who were less than thrilled about there, and I remembered how I felt last year when H cried as I left. I came home and told R I could tell who was at school for the first time and who wasn't, just by how their parents behaved.

I picked her up Thursday as well, not wanting her to have to wait an hour on the bus to tell me about her first day. First thing she told me upon getting in the car? "C got in trouble for CRYING and had to go to the OFFICE!!!".

Wow. I bet HIS mom is proud... not. :) I never did quite figure out what happened, other than he apparently shoved someone in line... or something like that.

Typical of schoolchildren worldwide, when I asked what she did, she gave me the standard "Nothing"... followed by "I don't know" when asked about some of the kids in her class. I suddenly understood the frustration of my mother.... but I also remember giving her the same answers and honestly wondering what I was SUPPOSED to tell her! :)

So yesterday I drove her to school (half-day kindy, she's in the afternoon) and just dropped her off. She was okay with that. I wasn't. As I watched her walk up to the big red doors, wearing her red striped Tommy Hilfiger dress and Barbie backpack, I wanted to cry. I wanted to run over and hold her hand the whole way to her classroom. I wanted to be the moms I'd felt so smug about the day before, as I saw them walking their kindergarteners into the school for the second day.

But she turned and flipped me a wave as she walked in, and then she was gone, and I did the only thing I could do.... swallowed a sob and drove everyone else home for naps.

And then I watched the clock until the bus arrived.

And I was the embarrassing mom... the one who sat in the front yard for almost 30 minutes so I could see the bus coming. The one who wanted to skip down the driveway when I saw the yellow bus turn the corner to our street. The one who madly clicked the camera when the door opened and my kindergartener started down the steps.

The bus driver smiled.

I got the feeling I wasn't the only mom who did that. I may have been the only mom of a kindergartener who did it that day, but the driver smiled like it was old hat for her.

I did get a few more details out of her yesterday. When asked how the busride was, she said "FUN! But they were loud!". Of course, when I asked what she did at kindergarten, you know what she said....

"NOTHING!"

No, of course not.

The dog days of summer....

2006-08-15T17:25:00.000-05:00

Today was a relatively cool 90F, so I sent the children out to play after lunch. I stayed inside with the glass door open and the screen door closed so that I could clean up. I could hear them out there, happy giggles, discussions on what color chalk to use.....

When I finished up and went out to see what they are doing, what do I find....

But 2yo R on all four, hunched over the dogs' water dish, lapping like crazy!!

I laughed and asked if he was thirsty. He lifted his dripping wet face out of the bowl, grinned, and shook his head NO as he ran off to play some more...

At least it was clean water... and I suppose that's better than drinking out of the toilet like the dogs like to.... :)

What I've Learned This Summer (so far)

2006-08-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

I've been so proud of our beautiful lawn this year. We hired a lawn company to fertilize and weed, and I've dutifully watered through these triple-digit temps.

Our lawn is amazing. It's green. It's lush. And it's STILL FREAKING GROWING.

All around us, the neighbors have stopped mowing as their lawns are all brown. But oh no, not me. I stupidly thought a pretty lawn was IMPORTANT back when the warmest temps were low 80's. Now that it's 100+, who STILL HAS TO MOW THE DAMN YARD?

Certainly isn't my smart neighbor who's not only saved a ton on water and fertilizer, but also gets to sit inside and sip cool drinks while I see how fast the mower will go in an attempt to get a breeze happening.....

**sigh**

I think the heat is going to my head. Actually, I know it is, as this morning I found myself WANTING to run instead of taking it easy in the heat and walking in an attempt to get a cool breeze happening against my sweaty skin. There's something seriously wrong with that. :D

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go move the sprinkler.

My son... the cannibal

2006-08-04T17:54:00.000-05:00

Not quite 2yo L ( a daycare child) was very busy in the "house" corner of my daycare room this morning. She had a baby in the swing, a baby in the stroller, one tucked under her arm, and was busy "cooking" and handing plastic food to 11mo S... who would take it and chuck it behind him. (nothing like serving the man already, huh?)

After she'd given him pretty much all the plastic food, she stopped, looked at him, and proceeded to put one of the baby dolls in the "oven"... cook it.... and then handed that to my ds to "eat".

My son... the cannibal.

I love kids. They are so damn funny sometimes, and they have no idea just how hilarious they are.

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

2006-08-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I was in the bath with A when she started singing "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds".

Given that she's only 3 years old, I was a bit surprised. I called R in to listen to her and asked if he could believe it. He looked at me and asked how she knew that song.

Damned if I know.

So I did the obvious - I asked her. And sometimes the obvious is just TOO obvious, when it comes to three year olds! Our conversation went something like this:
Me: A, who taught you that song?
A: Lucy did!
Me: And where did you hear that song?
A: In the sky! (giggles)
Me: Did somebody sing that song, and you heard it?
A: MOM! Lucy taught me in the sky!

OK, apparently I'm not going to get anywhere with figuring it out! But honestly, I don't recall it being on the radio lately, *I* haven't been singing it, and it's not the kind of song the kids singers on Noggin would be singing.

I suppose I just need to figure out who Lucy is.... **sigh**

And the cat fell in

2006-07-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

Sam is not your ordinary cat. He is quite extraordinary.

We did not choose him. He chose us. The cat room at the animal shelter was full of cats - every age and color you could possibly want. We'd narrowed it down to a couple of young kittens when I noticed this black paw madly gesturing (yes, gesturing!) at me.

I stopped and looked. There was a black kitten turning somersaults and shoving his paws out in an attempt to get my attention.

It worked. Eight and a half months pregnant, broken ankle, and five small children in tow, I went back the next day and adopted him.

Ever since then, he's been unique. He LOVES to sit on the edge of the bathtub while someone takes a bath. And we've always joked that we'll just push him in one of these days.

But for a year, he's done nothing more than get the tip of his tail wet. And he only does that so he can flick water in my face.

Tonight, however, Samson fell in.

And I damn near died laughing.

I was in the tub with S. Sam decided sitting on the outside edge licking the faucet wasn't good enough (of COURSE not, how COULD it possibly be??), so he hopped over to the far corner. He was doing fine until he tried to turn around.

And it happened.

Sam fell in.

I put one hand out in an attempt to catch him, mostly because I figured he might freak out and claw the baby and me half to death. It was no good though as he hit the water anyways. It was like something out of a RoadRunner cartoon when Wile E Coyote runs off the edge of the cliff. Samson's legs were all going a million miles an hour. Water splashed everywhere. R and I were literally falling over with laughter (great pet parents that we are). Even baby S laughed with us, although I think he was laughing at Mum and Dad more than the stupid cat.

The cat escaped unharmed and retreated to the bedroom to dry himself off and regain his dignity.

It only took about 15 minutes before he was back, cruising along the side of the tub and licking the faucet.

Stupid cat. :)

There are no words

2006-07-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

Every now and again, I click at just the right moment......

There are no words to describe this, I don't think, short of saying he was fine and didn't cry at all. And no, I wasn't a horrible mother who left him on his face while I took a picture - I just captured the precise moment his face met the ground prior to toppling over.

Life is rough when you're 10 months old and can't walk.

The things kids say....

2006-07-21T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have an in-home daycare. Parents often send their children sick but try to blame it on teething. Apparently everything from bruises to green snot is caused by teething. So it's kind of become a running joke in our household - every sniffle, ache, pain, or pull is due to teething.

Anyways, this morning, A was sick with a touch of a tummy bug. She kinda took it easy all morning, but was acting normally before long.

Early this afternoon I knew she was back to herself. She came through and said,

"Mom, I'm sick. I need medicine. I must be teething".

It's pretty bad when even my 3yo is cracking jokes about teething.

You know you're a mom when....

2006-07-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

You find yourself going to the fridge for a 3rd strawberry to make sure the guinea pigs each have the same number of strawberry pieces and you won't have to break up a fight..... or listen to guinea pig squeaks of "But Mom, she has more!".

I seriously did this. I had two berries and cut each into four, then realized eight did not divide evenly by 3. So NATURALLY I had to get one more. Wouldn't want anyone shortchanged, ya know.

I did manage to NOT sit there and make sure they were shared equally, however...

**sigh**

The power of 3

2006-07-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard that bad things happen in 3's? I wonder what that says about me!! Perhaps good things come in 3's as well, and people just don't realize that.

We started out with one dog. About 6 months after that, we added another. Due to an unfortunate situation, we had to find her a new home. And in losing Lacey, we decided upon Emma. The same night we picked up a puppy Em, stray Susie decided we were her new family.

And then there were three.

When Susie disappeared some 11 months later (just after being spayed, I might add), I swore we'd be a 2-dog family. But the power of 3 overruled, and in my search of the local shelters, I discovered Molly. Who is, quite possibly, the very best dog ever. Enough said.

Then there are the cats. When I moved to the US, I brought with me two cats, Harry & Sally. Walking into WalMart one day, I was greeted by a little girl who held up a tiny kitten and said "Want a kitten?". Naturally, I said ABSOLUTELY and took him home. After an unfortunate accident some months later, we were back to 2 cats. I swore I wouldn't replace Leo. Two was enough. But watching the news one day, they showed the Pet of the Week. An orange kitten. I figured any cat who went on TV and looked like he enjoyed it deserved to have a great home, and Micah came home that evening.

Back to the power of 3.

Last July - almost exactly 1 year ago - my beloved Sally died. It appeared to be a peaceful death. I was 8 months pregnant with a broken ankle and swore NO KITTEN, at least not until the baby was here.

Again, the power of 3 overruled, and Samson came home 5 days later.

So, I have 3 cats, 3 dogs, and 3 children, whom most people already knew about.

Which takes us to last weekend.

H desperately wanted a guinea pig. She's been begging for one for God knows how long. After much research and 1 guinea pig book, R and I agreed to buy her a guinea pig. One. With a small cage.

How foolish am I.

On a whim, I checked PetFinder. Nothing local. So I decided to take a gander at Craigslist. And what do I find there but an ad from May 24th lookng for a new home for "2 lovely guinea pigs". So I went ahead an emailed her on the offchance she still had them.

She did.

Only.....

it wasn't two guinea pigs.

Again, the power of 3 ruled all and we brought home 3 delightful little cavies. Peanut Butter, Blackberry, and Zoe are now the most darling new members of our zoo.

Dh commented that a fourth child is obviously not in the works for us.

Me, I'm not so sure. I'm thinking perhaps a 4th IS in the works... as well as a 5th, and a 6th.

Three girls.

Three boys.

It all has to balance out, right?

Power of 3, after all........

"I hope you don't do that again"

2006-07-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Oh the funny things kids say.

Saturday afternoon, we had some friends and their 5yo daughter over for dinner. After the children were finished and the adults were still eating, H excused herself to use the restroom.

Shortly after, she hollers, "DADDY! I pooped!". She wants him to come and help her wipe. I don't really know why, as she is perfectly capable of wiping her own bottom, but I guess maybe it's just a 5yo thing. So off he goes.

As he's in there helping her, all hell breaks loose and she begins screaming, "I WANTED TO DO IT!!!".

When R returned to the table, I asked what was going on. H was still screaming. He explained he'd flushed the toilet, and apparently she wanted to.

Now the thing about H is that about 95% of the time, she refuses to flush. I don't know why. But if you accidentally flush for her the other 5%, she flies off the handle. And this is, unfortunately, what happened.

Being the mother, I'd had enough of the screaming, so I walked through to the bathroom and threatened her with no guinea pigs. She immediately stopped the screaming. I told her to wash her hands, hang up her towel, and then apologize to Daddy for screaming at him.

Shortly after I sat back down, she came out and told me she'd washed her hands and hung up her towel. She then turned to her father and said,

"Daddy, I'm sorry I screamed at you. I hope you don't do that again".

Which naturally had us adults cracking up in her subtlety. Of course, we'd all had wine and beer, so perhaps it wasn't quite as funny as it seemed, but I dunno, we were all rolling.

What did we laugh at before children?

"What the hell was that?"

2006-07-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

That is what came out of my 5yo's mouth yesterday as she stepped on something in the kitchen.

After biting my lip so as not to laugh out loud, I reminded her that we do not use words like that.

She looked me straight in the eye and said "But YOU do, Mom..."

Busted.... by a 5yo. :)

(for the record, just so you all don't think I'm a horrible person who lets their child have a potty mouth all the time, I DID tell her there are some things that are okay for mommies and daddies to say, but not children. And I also made a mental note to myself to wash my potty mouth out. :) )

Mommy doesn't have wrinkles... Grandma does!

2006-06-23T13:52:00.000-05:00

My parents were here last week. A took great delight in pushing all the skin together on my mom's knees and elbows to make some major wrinkles. It was pretty darn funny.

This week, however, with my parents now back at home, A has decided to do it to my knees. It's not so funny anymore. ;)

However, true to form, H came to my rescue.

Last night, A was pushing my skin around and saying "Mommy has wrinkles!". H immediately leapt to my defense and told her little sis, "MOMMY doesn't have wrinkles - Grandma does!"!

She's a good kid. And I only wish she was right. :)

"But B won't give me a wedgie!"

2006-06-23T13:50:00.000-05:00

That's what a naked A just told me.

After telling her she needs to at least have panties on for a wedgie, and the resulting screams of "NOOOOOOO!", I realized she means LUIGI.

The yellow VW bug Luigi from Cars.

The toy they all got in yesterday's $1.29 Happy Meals.Oh the crisis.

There are SEVEN Luigis in the other room and B has them all.

I told A to get dressed and I'd give her a wedgie... I mean Luigi.

The Power of the Telephone

2006-05-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

I think every mother knows it. The telephone has the strange power to cause a child to cry, ask a question, or have an impending emergency.

Every single time I pick up the phone, whether to answer or to make a call, it happens. Without fail. The only way I can avoid it is to wait until they are all asleep. Even then, it's like spinning a roulette wheel. Sometimes your number comes up.

Yesterday, for example. I waited until the kids were all outside playing to call the lawn people. I gave the S-man some Cheerios and juice in his high chair to keep him quiet and contained. He was happy. The others were quiet. So I dialled.

Within the first minute of it being answered, one fell down outside and needed a bandaid. Then another needed a drink. And the baby decided the juice and Cheerios weren't going to cut it and started shrieking.

I apologized profusely to the lady I was speaking to. She laughed and said she understood..... and put me on hold.

So I took the hold time as an opportunity to scoop up S, slap a bandaid on a miniscule scrape, and give everyone a cup of water. Somehow, they KNEW I was on hold as everything became peaceful again.

Within seconds of being spoken to, all hell broke loose for a second time.

I had put S on the floor with a couple of blocks. Normally, this keeps him quiet and happy for at least a little bit. But oh no, because I was on the phone, he decides to lie down. And roll around. And crash his head into the corner of the TV cabinet.

He is seriously the only child I've ever known who can roll with enough force to give himself a bruise and a goose egg. I've had people ask if he's starting to walk upon seeing the greenish lump on his head. Nope, he's just a forceful roller. :)

And, of course, the others are now asking for the sprinkler. Or a freezee. Or a ball. Or chalk. Or anything else they can possibly think of. I'm flapping my hands at them, making promises that I will get it as soon as I get off the phone, just please give me 3 minutes to handle this!!

A minute later, I'm off. And everything is forgotten as all the kids go off and play amongst themselves. Except S. Who is now occupied with his blocks.

Ummm.... thanks, honey.... I think

2006-05-25T10:09:00.000-05:00

I sent the kids out to play this morning while it was still cool (only 80F... hahaha) and took the opportunity to start in on some of the housework.

As I was folding laundry, H came flying in and held out a flower (clover head) to me. She proudly exclaimed, "Look Mom, I brought you a flower!".

I smiled and thanked her for my beautiful flower and asked her if she could put it in some water for me.

"Sure," she told me. "It's for your funeral. Cuz you're dead".

Nice kid.

My eyes!! My EYES!!

2006-05-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

I started running again this morning, or perhaps I should say attempting to run. I really didn't run very far - a whole 6 minutes, or just over half a mile - before I wanted to lie down and die, but I did make myself walk at a good clip.

When I started, I remembered how much I enjoy getting up and having some ME time in the morning. It was reasonably cool at 70F, smelled good, and the sun was just coming up. The neighborhood was quiet. Molly and I jogged and walked and really enjoyed the time.

Then it happened.

As I headed towards the last hill down towards our street, I heard a door open. I glanced towards the sound and saw a guy walk out the front door of his house dressed only in swim trunks, or what appeared to be swim trunks. Keep in mind this is 6am. In his hand was a beer bottle, which he took a drink from. He then proceeded to get a full garbage bag from the garage and take it around the side of the house to the trashcan, finishing off the beer as he went.

As he tossed it in the trash (bag and now-empty bottle), he turned and saw me walking past. I smiled and said good morning. He looked like he wanted to go hide.

But it gets better.

Across the street from him, another door opened, and out came a rather rotund old guy. Wearing nothing but boxers. It was not pretty.

Alas, if nothing else, they made me want to run (home) again.

Ever seen a turtle run??

2006-05-08T10:02:00.000-05:00

We live across the street from a pond. And there are two more ponds on the other side of one neighbor. So needless to say, we have plenty of turtles around. And toads. The big ground ones that live in holes and leave little mud piles all over the yard that make for great story possibilities.

Anyways, being an animal lover, I hate seeing animals killed by cars. So when I see a turtle in the road, I will stop and move the turtle. This generally happens at least once a day in front of our house.

Today was no exception. Normally the turtles pull everything inside and I just pick them up and move them to whatever ditch they were headed for. Not this morning.

I parked the van, hit my flashers, and got out. Speedy took one look at me coming for him and took off RUNNING. I started to laugh and went to grab him, but the damn thing DARTED out of my reach.

By this point, I'm cracking up, and I figure it's okay if he just wants to run - I'll just "chase" him across the street and into the ditch. But oh no, Speedy has other ideas and makes a 90 degree turn to the left so he is now running straight up the street.

I'm laughing so hard at this turtle running I can hardly see straight. I finally manage to snag him and pick him up, and damned if he doesn't keep trying to run away from me!! He managed to "kick" me with one of his hind feet. When I finally set him down (some 8 seconds later), instead of pulling a normal "hide my head" turtle move, he stuck his head way out and craned his neck around to LOOK at me.

Oddest turtle I've encountered to date.

The MOM Magnet

2006-05-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that the MOM magnet does indeed exist and is not just a theory. And the MOM magnet is an extremely powerful force that is incredibly tough to break bonds with.

Take this morning, for example. Our house is 3200 square feet. In that 3200 square feet, there are three televisions and three bedrooms PLUS a game room that have children's toys in them. Despite all the space to spread out in, every person in the house was drawn to a central location - namely, Mom.

There I sat, in the living room, turning the television up louder and louder in an attempt to actually HEAR the Numbers episode I had recorded. Finally I gave up, turned the TV to Noggin, and stood up, asking why everyone needed to be within 4 feet of me at all time, and went to the bedroom to watch the last 10 minutes.

Immediately the MOM magnet exudes its powerful force, for I hear A exclaiming "But I just wanna talk to Mommy!" as R tries to explain to her that she can give Mommy 10 minutes to watch the end of her show. He was successful.

But that's not where it ends. I also have this powerful force over the animals in our house. Even now as I type, I am being WATCHED my our orange tabby, overseeing every keystroke, making sure I get it right. :) And... because the MOM magnet is so incredibly powerful, H is flopped on the futon behind me, asking "Why do we need to wear socks, Mom?".

Well gee, honey, I don't know. My initial thought is perhaps they'll help to ground my magnetic force, but in truth, I think it's just so your feet don't get cold.

Another prime example of the MOM magnet at work - the bathroom. Actually, when I think about it, I think there may be other forces at work in the bathroom as it seems to have a greater effect on everyone. I can go into the bathroom ALONE, and within seconds, be surrounded by the entire family, including all the animals. And naturally, they all have a very good reason to be there... such as....

"Mom! Are you pooping or peeing??" (does it matter? Cuz either way, it's a family affair)

"Mom! Can I watch?" (I'd say no, but I know it won't make a difference)

"Honey, what do you want me to dress the baby in?" (I dunno... clothes, maybe?)

"MOM!!! She's LOOKING at me funny!!" (OK, and???)

"Mom, A STINKS!" (so what else is new??)

"Hey, it's MY turn on the potty! Mom! Hurry UP, I've GOT to GO!" (OK, so maybe go use one of the other TWO bathrooms???)

And let's not forget our dear Shitkitty who is CONVINCED he MUST have his head in the toilet bowl whenever I sit on the toilet. He's not called Shitkitty for nothing. :) (OK, truth is, *II am the only one who calls him shitkitty, and it's just cuz he's a turd... not cuz he's ended up with anything on his head). He LOVES my bathroom as there is a half-wall separating the toilet from the rest of the room. I swear he thinks it was designed just for him. After all, he can fly into the bathroom at Mach4, vault off the bathtub, and skid to a stop on the wall, where he sits all innocently and pretends he's been sitting there all along.

Bathtime is even more fun. But that's a tale for another day.

I think I'm going to write a book....

2006-05-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

Called "101 Reasons I Cannot Eat My Lunch".

One of my daycare charges is a very picky eater. He won't eat vegetables. He won't eat fruit. Hell, he won't even eat peanut butter sandwiches unless they are made on white bread with Welch's grape jelly, and I suspect even then he'd have a reason NOT to eat it.

On Friday, I made mac & cheese for lunch. Because Pickyboy won't even eat that, I gave him exactly one tablespoon (along with a fruit, veggie, and wiener) and waved my magic wand... "I have cupcakes for dessert for everyone who cleans their plates".

Three plates were literally licked clean. On the fourth, everything remained.

"I can't eat it!! There's a SPIDER in it!!"

Well, my initial reaction was "Shut up and eat it, it's just extra protein". But alas, I'm sure licensing would be here in a heartbeat if I actually said that to him, so I took his plate.

So I looked and looked, and finally got out the microscope to examine the spider. I have no idea WHAT it was, but there was the tiniest piece of black something. It could have been a piece of ANYTHING, although my personal suspicion is that Mr. Manipulative probably picked up a piece of dirt and stuck it on there. Because naturally I am stupid and I might think that a piece of dirt looks exactly like a spider. And if I am that stupid, I might also forget that he didn't eat ANYTHING on his plate, and I might just give him a cupcake.

But what poor old Pickyboy doesn't know is that I am not as stupid as I appear to be. So when I gave him the choice of my removing his "spider" and giving him NEW mac & cheese, or just throwing everything out and being done with it, he chose to throw everything out. Fine by me. And Emma (our yellow Lab) was QUITE delighted by his choice.

And when he asked for HIS cupcake, because he couldn't possibly eat his lunch with a spider in it, after all, I told him the SPIDER got his cupcake. Because, after all, the spider is the only one who ate the lunch. Unless you count Emma. And she's watching her girlish figure.