A sad tale of a pair of jeans

I must start this off by saying I gave all my bigger clothes to my mom.I tried on my button-up jeans the other day. I was actually able to get them on and buttoned... provided I was lying flat on the bed. Standing up was interesting. I looked rather like an ice-cream cone with fat bulging out over the waistband."Look honey!!" I went looking for dh. "I can button up my jeans and I'm only 8wks post partum!".Poor dh. He actually looked at me standing there stuffed in my jeans, no shirt on, and tried not to vomit. Very carefully he said, "That's great, hon! You... umm... weren't actually going to wear those out, were you?"I will admit the thought had briefly crossed my mind, but then I realized I would no doubt have to pee at some point, and I didn't really think there would be a bed handy to lie on so I could do my jeans up again. So I told him no and went back to my closet.I found a pair of capris I'd hardly worn. Denim. With just a wee bit of stretch. Just enough stretch to make them wearable. Suddenly I have a new best friend. My old jeans were cast aside and the love affair began.However, as happens all too often with new flames, this one was snuffed by a cold breeze. One from the north, as a matter of fact, that brought frosty temperatures and sweatshirts with it, and made me say goodbye to my newfound love. It was shortlived, so I got over it reasonably quickly.SO, last night I decided to just bite the bullet and go buy an inexpensive pair of jeans to wear until I reshape the flab I currently refer to as my stomach. My capris were from Kohls (Sonoma), so off I went. And guess what?? Sonoma jeans were on sale!! $18.99!! Could I get any luckier???Someone needs to tell manufacturers that jeans should NOT be made in "low rise" in sizes bigger than 8 or so!! I don't CARE if "at the waist" jeans are out, and they certainly can NOT be less flattering than a pair that causes any excess body to hang out obscenely over the top!!!So I put them back. And spied a rack of Levis.Apparently someone has completely changed the sizing guides in the past year, because I took a size larger than the shorts I bought last summer, and there was no way in hell I was getting them done up.... unless, of course, there was a bed nearby. Now I did find a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans that fit fine through the hips/stomach. The problem there however was apparently Gloria only knows SHORT people as they ended approximately half way between my knees and my ankles.I checked the tag. Nope, not capris, and they are labelled as "average" length.Back out to the rack I go. I found pair after pair of average. Then I found short. And petite. And thought to myself "Are there really people as wide as they are tall wearing these jeans?". Asked a salesrep if they had any in "tall" or "long" length. She looked at me like I was insane.... mind you, she had to crane her neck upwards to look at me, I towered over her by a whole 10 feet or so..... Needless to say, I came home with no jeans. I decided a pair of running shoes would be easier to buy and then I can just wear the old ones again in a couple of weeks. I should probably add that I just should have listened to Aly earlier, when she came through, lifted up my shirt, poked my fat roll, and gleefully exclaimed, "EXERCISE!" as she raced off, laughing to herself.Damn kids.