So I add a new child into the mix today - non-walking, special needs, not quite 3yo. Everything goes fine this am.

But today is library day, so I bundle everyone into the van (in the rain, I might add) and off we go. THAT part is fine, although S was peeved that I made him sit in the "UGLY BLUE SEAT" in the middle row when he wanted to sit in the "PINK SEAT IN THE BACK AND YOU ARE MEAN!!!!"... and A says my singing is horrible and she should call the police to have me arrested for torturing small children. Pretty typical, what can I say?

Once at the library, we're still doing fine. Get everyone out of the van. Decide it will probably be easier to carry the non-walker rather than get the stroller (which I left at home anyways cuz it is filthy and gross), so I throw on my (pink) sling, drop his skinny butt in, and turn to see five other little kids careening all over the sidewalk. Damn. They're all mine!!!!

Yell at them all to smarten up or they are going to get it. I hear some guy going "Miss... excuse me? Miss?" and I'm thinking DAMMIT, who is running away NOW, where are those rotten kids, madly counting them, making sure I have the five walkers right there and silently wondering why the hell we take out so many books anyways cuz the damn bag is HEAVY.

Scary looking younger guy asks if I know where Human Resources is. Uhhh no, but this IS the library, and you can probably find out inside?? He's trying to help me in the door with the kids, I'm totally creeped out by him (no reason either, just a vibe, kwim??), kids are running wild, G is pulling my hair over my face, S is attached to my leg, H goes to open the door, S pitches a fit cuz he's three and HE WANTS TO DO IT NO FAIR, C takes off running the minute the door opens....

Damn, we're not even inside yet!!!

Inside, there's a line at the desk. I stop to drop our books in the return drawer. B & S are singing a song about being at the library. C is pretending he is a cat and winding through people's legs. H and A are trying to help but I think they are making it worse. G is "helping" still by running his hands in my hair and putting it over my eyes, all well smiling at everyone and anyone, which means he is turning and throwing me off balance.

It's all good.

H finally gets C corralled, A gets a hand on B & S, S immediately shrieks "DON'T TOUCH ME, LET ME GO, I WANT MOMMY!!". Other moms are snickering, thinking "Thank goodness it's not me!!!". WE go back to the Children's section and pick books out in literally eight seconds flat. I felt like I was on an 8-second bull ride anyways!!! I manage to pile 50lbs worth of books into the bag, somewhat offsetting the 30lbs of kid on my other side, and we head to the checkout.

I bark "SIT! STAY!" and point to the floor. Three bottoms drop (the boys). G finds this hilarious and wants down, so he starts twisting and pointing. A is threateningly patiently standing over the three sitters, shoving gently patting their heads back down when they move. H helps by taking the books as I check them out, putting them in the bag, then handing me the bag.

Manage to corral them all and we head out.

Except creepy guy starts out right after us.

I'm sure he was perfectly nice and fine, and it was just me, but he gave me the "pricklies", kwim?? I don't really want to start strapping kids into the van while he's hanging around, so just outside the door we stop and I ask who needs to get a drink of water before we go, giving him a chance to go past us. H took the drinkers and the pee-ers back in while I stayed just outside the door with the others and kept an eye on Creepy Guy.

Kids come back out, I strap everyone in all while watching CG, who has crossed the street and is doubling back. I'm mentally wondering how fast I can send H in for help while dialling 911 on my cell phone when he abruptly turns and walks off in the other direction. Thank goodness!!

So from there, we go to McDonald's. DRIVE THRU, people, and thank GOD for Drive Thru!! The idea of taking the kids out again scares the living snot right out of me!!

We're all fine and dandy til we get home (aside from I'm sure we must have looked like a clown car as she kept passing me Happy Meals). once home, I release everyone from their seats and tell them to go in and sit at the table. I put G on the floor inside the door and tell him to go find H, she'll put him in his seat.

Turkeyboy (G) has other ideas and sits in the doorway watching me til he sees I have my hands full.. then smiles like a demon and makes a break for it.

Down the driveway.

In the pouring rain.

Laughing the whole way as I go running after him with seven Happy Meals hanging from my fingers.

Days like today make my day.

The tomato vs the mockingbird

About 100 years ago, I planted a "patio tomato" plant in a container on the... well.... patio!!



It's been growing really nicely, even has quite a few tomatoes on it. One was nice and big, but has been green forever and a day. I kept waiting on it to turn red, and had finally decided it was probably some rare form of green tomato and I was losing my mind.



Last week, it started to get an orange glow to it.



We also have a nest of mockingbirds in our wisteria (the "Harry Potter" plant). A few weeks ago, I assume the babies were fledging as the parents became very brave and very vocal, "yelling" at us any time we were in the backyard and even biting the dogs & cats in the backside. THAT in itself is a funny story that I never got adequate photos of, but nonetheless, they were aggressive. And brave. And suddenly, they were gone. No longer harrassing us constantly, although I still see them in the yard.



Yesterday I commented to R that the tomato was almost ripe for picking and I was looking forward to a cheese & tomato sandwich.



Today I glanced out the window and saw the mockingbird back. He was sitting on the eave... then dropped down to the basketball net (it's a Little Tikes one, so small!), then apparently dropped to the patio. I was happy to see him, but also wondered if one of the cats had been left out unintentionally by one of the kids and he was harrassing the cat again.



So I walked over and looked out.



And the little f*&#$er was having a go at my tomato!!!!



I threw open the door and he just LOOKED at me, then went back to attempting to eat it. I shooed him off and told him he could go eat from the birdfeeder that I put out SPECIFICALLY for him and the cardinal (and that I fill up every.damn.day - 5lbs of birdseed in a day! Even the ducks from the pond walk over for their free meal!), but he was NOT eating my tomato. I've waited far too long for the stupid thing to get ripe, and I was NOT about to share with a mockingbird!!



I don't think he was impressed.



But I sure am looking forward to lunch!!

Funny. but not funny.

My mom has a habit when she visits of putting my knives in the sink to wash... then forgetting they are there and slicing her hand when she reaches in.

Today I was washing knives and thinking how funny/not funny it is that she does that. See, I usually leave the knife on the counter until I am ready to wash it, then pick it up by the handle and wash the blade, never letting the knife go.... thus never putting it in a position where I could unknowingly cut myself.

Right?

Right.

Except there is my good ole friend Murphy and his stinky Law.

So today, as I was washing a knife and thinking I was SO SMART for washing them the way I do and not cutting my finger on them, one of the kids asked me something. I paused with the knife in my left hand, scrubber in my right, and turned to reply... which is when Mr. Murphy kindly grabbed my right hand and sliced my finger open with the knife.

(ok, so I did it myself by moving my hand too close to the knife... still... the irony of it all kills me)

Sex Ed.

H asked yesterdy if all babies start in their mommy's tummies...... I said yes.

Of course, that's not good enough for her, and she wants to know how they get in there to begin with.

So I give her the short & curly verison about Mommy & Daddy loving each other and deciding they want to have a baby together, and how Mommy has an egg and Daddy gives her a sperm, and taaa daaa, baby.

Fortunately for me she doesn't ask HOW Daddy gives a sperm, but rather, wants to know more about how the egg & sperm actually become a human baby.

So I explain that every person starts off as two tiny cells coming together, and those two cells just keep making more cells, and those cells eventually all get together with their buddies to make different parts of a baby - like the heart cells hang out and make a heart, leg cells make a leg... armies make an arm... you get it.

Again, I am relieved she doesn't want an explanation of how babies get OUT, although I think I'd rather tackle that one that how it gets in there.

SO

The kids are sitting here having lunch and H is lecturing them on how babies are made.

Great. ;) Can't wait to explain to DCM why B (daycare boy) is telling her that at dinner.....

HOWEVER

My personal favorite?

She leans over the chair I'm sitting in and says, "Mom, why did you have three of us??"

Some days I ask myself the very same thing.

The Funeral.

We came home yesterday to find Zoe the guinea pig dead.

To be quite frank, we have all known this was coming for a while now. She was old for a guinea pig, and had slowed down considerably as of late. Several times lately I've had to stop and really look to see if she was still breathing.

Naturally, we had to have a funeral.

H and I went out and chose a place for Zoe under the "Hummingbird Tree" as H calls it (which is the big tree in the back with the horse swing). I dug a hole, she asked questions about how Zoe died, why Zoe died, you get the idea.

So then she asks if she can carry Zoe out. Absolutely, I tell her. Have Daddy help you wrap her up nicely in some paper towel and we'll bury her like that.

R wants to know if he should put her in a plastic bag or anything. I said no, thinking plastic's not going to decompose.

So in they go, and out they come a few minutes later. H is solemnly carrying Zoe in her outstretched hands.

They get out to where I'm standing (gravedigger extraordinaire!) with the other two. H very gently lays Zoe down in the hole and looks at me. I ask her if she'd like to say a few words before we cover her up. She nods, then throws her hand over her heart and glares at us as if to say "HELLO PEOPLE, HANDS OVER YOUR HEARTS!!"

So there the five of us are, everyone with their hand over their hearts, the little ones with their eyes scrinched shut. H goes on for a few minutes about what a nice guinea pig Zoe was, how we all loved her, how pretty she was, and how sad we all are. Meanwhile, I am biting my bottom lip and trying very hard not to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and wondering just what the heck the neighbor's babysitter (who is in their backyard with their baby) must be thinking.....

We covered her up, said how nice a place it is for her, how she's happy and fine where she is now, and head back inside.

And you know what happened next, right?

from A ---- "CAN WE GET ANOTHER CAT?"
(cuz I'd already said no more guinea pigs.... LOL)