My kids are so weird!

I know... tell me something I don't know, right?

Tonight, A is in the shower asking her usual inane questions. Tonight's topic of discussion? "Would you rather share a bathroom with an ugly guy with a rash, or a bedroom with a reindeer?".

I replied I already shared the bathroom with an ugly guy, but she was quick to tell me that she didn't think Daddy was ugly. Anyways, I went on to say at least you could get some cream for the rash, and maybe put a bag over the ugly head. A reindeer, on the other hand... you'd have to clean up after, and I'm sure it would stink. Back to the ugly guy - he could shower and smell, good, right?

Nope.

According to her, a reindeer would be preferable because - and I quote - "Clean up after it for a while, then you could shoot it... and EAT IT!".

Lovely. Simply charming!

My pedometer is mocking me.

I bought one this past Saturday at Weight Watchers and I cannot for the life of me get it to accurately count my steps! Sometimes it counts extras, other times it just sits there and mocks me. I walked all over the playground on Saturday and it showed zero steps, yet when I threw it in my jacket pocket and tossed it on the bench, it decided I'd gone 30 steps.

I put it on when I jogged on Monday and hit almost 6000.... was super excited, figured whatever glitch it was having had worked itself out as its distance total was close to what my Garmin Forerunner said, but after I showered and put it back on, the pedometer had apparently gone back to bed. Despite being all over the place this morning, it stubbornly sat like a little pouty kid, refusing to click any more steps in.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the last time when I went to check and see if it was catching any of the steps, I swear it made a surly face at me right before it reset itself. And by reset, I mean I had to go back in and re-enter all of the personal info (height, weight, gender, etc). Restart, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. You lose.

I HAD thought it might just be the placement of it (although I don't get why it was fine when I ran in the am and not the rest of the time....) but now I think perhaps it is the embodiment of a 4yo child and really is just trying to drive me mental. :)

It is currently on the counter as it is NOT behaving at all, and I swear I can hear it snickering.... LOL When it did the reset thing, I thought maybe it was just the battery.... but changing it didn't help. It's not being friendly..... And I WANT it to be my friend! :)

But I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuungry!!

It's amazing how my children can always be so hungry yet never actually EAT anything they are served... unless it's something that falls into the "junk food" category.

My daughters ate exactly one bite each of their lunch yesterday. They ASSURED me they were no longer hungry and that they UNDERSTOOD there would be nothing else until snack... and that there would be NO SECONDS on snack.

As I am smarter than they are, I saved their plates.

Sure enough, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe an hour past lunch, the younger one informs me she's "STARVING!!!". I pointed her towards her uneaten lunch and suggested she eat it now that she was hungry. No can do, she tells me. No teeth. Too hard to eat a turkey (her choice, I might add) sandwich when you are missing all the front teeth.

I told her if she was hungry she would find a way to eat it, and that if she couldn't eat a nice soft sandwich, I seriously doubted she could eat anything else.

She managed to eat the entire thing... and the apple slices.

The older one lasted about 90 minutes before she too was dying to hunger. When I reminded her that I had SAVED her peanut butter and jelly (again, the sandwich she requested) sandwich for her and that she could certainly eat it now that she was hungry, the drama began.

And continued through to snack time. See, she may have been dying of hunger, but apparently she was not hungry enough to actually eat the sandwich in question. Only complain about it.

Come snack time, every child got a serving of animal crackers. Both the girls INHALED theirs and were absolutely incensed when I told them there were no seconds, sorry. When they continued to complain about being hungry, I offered carrots. Amazingly enough, neither was hungry any longer, at least not for carrots.

So you'd think there wouldn't be a repeat performance today, wouldn't you? HA! There is one indigo plate and one pink plate (yes, they all have their own colors) sitting with plastic wrap on each as both ate scarcely more than 1/3 of their hotdog... and did not touch the carrots or peas that were also served.

I can't wait til they starve to death again. ;)

School woes....

S often tells me he's "too sick" to go to school. I don't really know why he does this as he LIKES school - always has fun, and always comes home happy from school.

Today he got out of bed and informed me he was far too sick to go to school.

Being the loving, caring, compassionate mother I am, I told him he could stay home today.

He was so happy that I didn't have the heart to remind him it's Spring Break. :)

The things she says, pt 500

Monday.

After we leave gymnastics, I always ask the girls "What was the best thing you did tonight? And what did you do best?". Meaning, of course, what their favorite thing was and what they felt they did the best. Oftentimes, the answers are not what I expect!!

The girls had worked floor, vault, and then H went to beam while A went to bars. I asked my usual question of "What was the best thing you did tonight?"

A tells me "Uhhh.... beam."

I said, " Did you DO beam? Hey, you didn't DO beam, stinker!"

She says "EXACTLY! That's why it was the best!"


Wednesday.

Today is S's birthday. He is four. Combine gymnastics with dinner out (McDonald's), cake at home, and opening presents, and it makes for a late bedtime. Both the girls are dealing with colds and both were grumpy.

I went through at about 9:30pm and told them to close their games and it was lights out. Many protests ensued and H said her nose was stuffy and could I give her something to help clear it out?

We were in the kitchen getting her some Dimetapp when A appeared. I WISH I'd had a camera to capture the look of indignation on her face, but I didn't!!

She stood there, glared at me, and announced loudly, "MOM! I'm sick."

And then she turned to look right at me and followed up with, "SICK OF HAVING TO GO TO BED!!!"

I KNOW I should have given her hell for her flippant attitude, but it's REALLY hard to do that when you are choking back laughter!! I managed to tell her to GO TO BED and then had to go laugh in the other room. She's a mess!!

Family Reunion Joy

R's family reunion is coming up.

I hate these at the best of times - lemme tell you, sitting in a hotel room with the kids while everyone else golfs isn't exactly fun - but this year is even worse.

Cuz it's in Memphis.

Except not Memphis, Tennessee.

Nope, it's in Memphis, TX.

Where, you ask? There's a Memphis in Texas??

Oh yeah, and let me tell you what a rocking place it is! Population 2400 with a median male income of $24K and a median female income of $18K.

Trying to make the best of it, I googled it, looking for area attractions. Guess what came up in the list?

"Hugh's Funeral Home".

I understand people are dying to see it. (sorry, I could not help myself)

I simply cannot wait to go.

So I add a new child into the mix today - non-walking, special needs, not quite 3yo. Everything goes fine this am.

But today is library day, so I bundle everyone into the van (in the rain, I might add) and off we go. THAT part is fine, although S was peeved that I made him sit in the "UGLY BLUE SEAT" in the middle row when he wanted to sit in the "PINK SEAT IN THE BACK AND YOU ARE MEAN!!!!"... and A says my singing is horrible and she should call the police to have me arrested for torturing small children. Pretty typical, what can I say?

Once at the library, we're still doing fine. Get everyone out of the van. Decide it will probably be easier to carry the non-walker rather than get the stroller (which I left at home anyways cuz it is filthy and gross), so I throw on my (pink) sling, drop his skinny butt in, and turn to see five other little kids careening all over the sidewalk. Damn. They're all mine!!!!

Yell at them all to smarten up or they are going to get it. I hear some guy going "Miss... excuse me? Miss?" and I'm thinking DAMMIT, who is running away NOW, where are those rotten kids, madly counting them, making sure I have the five walkers right there and silently wondering why the hell we take out so many books anyways cuz the damn bag is HEAVY.

Scary looking younger guy asks if I know where Human Resources is. Uhhh no, but this IS the library, and you can probably find out inside?? He's trying to help me in the door with the kids, I'm totally creeped out by him (no reason either, just a vibe, kwim??), kids are running wild, G is pulling my hair over my face, S is attached to my leg, H goes to open the door, S pitches a fit cuz he's three and HE WANTS TO DO IT NO FAIR, C takes off running the minute the door opens....

Damn, we're not even inside yet!!!

Inside, there's a line at the desk. I stop to drop our books in the return drawer. B & S are singing a song about being at the library. C is pretending he is a cat and winding through people's legs. H and A are trying to help but I think they are making it worse. G is "helping" still by running his hands in my hair and putting it over my eyes, all well smiling at everyone and anyone, which means he is turning and throwing me off balance.

It's all good.

H finally gets C corralled, A gets a hand on B & S, S immediately shrieks "DON'T TOUCH ME, LET ME GO, I WANT MOMMY!!". Other moms are snickering, thinking "Thank goodness it's not me!!!". WE go back to the Children's section and pick books out in literally eight seconds flat. I felt like I was on an 8-second bull ride anyways!!! I manage to pile 50lbs worth of books into the bag, somewhat offsetting the 30lbs of kid on my other side, and we head to the checkout.

I bark "SIT! STAY!" and point to the floor. Three bottoms drop (the boys). G finds this hilarious and wants down, so he starts twisting and pointing. A is threateningly patiently standing over the three sitters, shoving gently patting their heads back down when they move. H helps by taking the books as I check them out, putting them in the bag, then handing me the bag.

Manage to corral them all and we head out.

Except creepy guy starts out right after us.

I'm sure he was perfectly nice and fine, and it was just me, but he gave me the "pricklies", kwim?? I don't really want to start strapping kids into the van while he's hanging around, so just outside the door we stop and I ask who needs to get a drink of water before we go, giving him a chance to go past us. H took the drinkers and the pee-ers back in while I stayed just outside the door with the others and kept an eye on Creepy Guy.

Kids come back out, I strap everyone in all while watching CG, who has crossed the street and is doubling back. I'm mentally wondering how fast I can send H in for help while dialling 911 on my cell phone when he abruptly turns and walks off in the other direction. Thank goodness!!

So from there, we go to McDonald's. DRIVE THRU, people, and thank GOD for Drive Thru!! The idea of taking the kids out again scares the living snot right out of me!!

We're all fine and dandy til we get home (aside from I'm sure we must have looked like a clown car as she kept passing me Happy Meals). once home, I release everyone from their seats and tell them to go in and sit at the table. I put G on the floor inside the door and tell him to go find H, she'll put him in his seat.

Turkeyboy (G) has other ideas and sits in the doorway watching me til he sees I have my hands full.. then smiles like a demon and makes a break for it.

Down the driveway.

In the pouring rain.

Laughing the whole way as I go running after him with seven Happy Meals hanging from my fingers.

Days like today make my day.